BPD411 - Victims, Survivors and Staying in Kansas

Victims, Survivors and Staying in Kansas A member of our mailing list wrote:

>I prefer to use the word -- victim -- as a verb and as an adjective,

Deedee replied:

In the healing framework I use, one is only a victim while the abuse is actually happening.. once it’s over, one becomes a survivor..

We use words in many ways that are unhealthy. If one takes one’s primary sense of identity from ’I’m a victim of X’, one is relatively ’stuck’ in the space of being a victim..one is NOT in control of one’s actions, and little responsibility is taken for one’s own role in what created the situation in which one was victimized.

When one says: "I’m a survivor of X abuse’, one moves away from the sense of having little or no control over one’s circumstances and reactions and into a place of more resourceful choices.

For those who’ve been traumatized by being in a relationship with someone who has the disorder or it’s traits, it is harder to accept our part in the ’dance’. When I read the chapter in Stop Walking on Eggshells about my part in the bpd/non bpd dance, I threw the book at the wall, shouting, ’even this da*** book is blaming me’. Eventually, I was ready to accept my personal responsibility for my own part in that dynamic.. but it took hard work and stubbornness.

For those on our list who grew up with parents or care givers with the disorder, it is so much harder than those of us with ’chosen’ relationships, their road is longer and harder.. and for those of us with children who have the disorder or it’s traits, it’s a daily struggle to help our children learn and grow while not taking on too much ’blame’ for their behavior. Words create many things, feelings and often, create our own reality in ways that can be healthy or not. That is why, we, who founded bpd411 have made a conscience decision to use the term ’adult survivor of bpd parent’s’ rather than ’kids of bpd parents’ that may be common on other non support lists.

Accepting one’s own responsibility for what happened and what continues to happen in our lives, does NOT in any way minimize or mitigate the abuse. The person abusing has the primary responsibility for the abuse.

To a certain extent, the victim ’stance’ inhibits one’s ability to make healthier choices. Those with the disorder often use brainwashing techniques: negative messages repeated over time, denial of the others feelings and sense of reality and sleep deprivation to ’push’ the person into taking a trip to the Land of Oz, that is, accepting that all the problems in the relationship are the fault of the Non, rather than consequences of the actions of the person with the disorder. Information, education and support help create those changes.

However, for real and lasting change and healing to occur and be maintained, we, as Non’s MUST take personal responsibility for our own healing, for developing healthier boundaries, and most of all for leaning from the experiences we had with those who have the disorder.

As much pain as those relationships caused us, the time we spent in them is not ’lost time’ unless we refuse to learn from them. If we take the lessons learned, move forward, heal and grow, that time is valuable beyond measure. I would not be the person I am had I not had that experience with the disorder. I would not appreciate the wonderful life I now have in quite the same way had I not walked down the road of pain and learning associated with BPD.

Mostly I ’m trying to say, folks, that we get to choose.

Someone on our mailing list wrote:

"By acknowledging that I have been the victim of someone’s abuse, is not the same as saying I derive my sense of personal identity from that abuse. Neither my identity nor my recovery is "fixed" in time or in condition, rather it is mobile --sometimes resting in motion -- but moving nonetheless. "

Deedee replied:

My point was that in saying: I AM ___, we may help to keep ourselves ’stuck’ in a place that is less than resourceful and limit our choices.

So much of who we are seems to be identified by our paid jobs.. so much of our sense of self seems determined by how others react to us from the outside.. external validation.

For me, in my healing, it became important to begin to define myself outside of the many roles I carry: mother, Non, grandmother, counsellor, healer, therapist, etc.

By beginning to say: I am Deedee, and I have survived x, y or z, I began to claim MYSELF back from the places where I’d been victimized by someone with the disorder.

Many types of therapy begin by saying: "Hi, my name is X and I’m a ___" Which for me, in my experience was limiting and often re-victimizing.

Instead, I began to identify my self as a person. A person who carries lots of roles.. who is not limited by the roles but uses the roles to experience life more fully. So, when I meet someone new, I ask: what do they pay you to do, rather than ’what do you do?’.

Even reclaiming the use of my name, Deedee was a Journey towards healing. I grew up on a reservation, amidst poverty, dysfunction and lots of pain. My parents called me Deedee. The nuns came along and decided that Deedee was too ’pagan’ a name and insisted on registering my as ’Deborah’. That name went into the church and school records and was all that I was called. It was not ’me’.

When I began my recovery from the damage that being married to someone with this awful disorder had done, I thought a lot about who ’I’ was..apart from what I do and the roles I carry.. some with joy and some with ’grit’. So I began to ’take back me’ from those who’d stolen tiny pieces of me over the years. That they didn’t mean to steal the parts, or did mean to take away from who I am did not matter. It was important to reclaim ’me’ from all the abuse and life’s nastiness.

So, I began signing ’Deedee’..

My True Name is something else.. a cultural Tradition. Destiny’s Gifting me with a Name was a wonderful Gift..and one that I treasure..it has come to me through other means as well..

SO much of our reality becomes something that others chip away at.. whether it’s those with the disorder, our bosses, our parents, or just the world in general.. it is important for us, as Nons, to begin to stand in, to assert, and to claim or reclaim OUR reality.. our experiences.. without apologies to those who disagree.

Occasionally we require a reality check.. one of the great gifts that this web site can give us.. or our counselors, or therapist.. those we trust, with good reason, to be honest and real with us. In the early days of my recovery, I’d call my almost-then ex bpd/did husband’s therapist.. I’d let him know what was happening..

He’d assert: "You are a sane person dealing with an insane disorder. It is NOT your fault that he is sick." (Note: My therapist travelled out of the country for several months at a time and my ex husband’s therapist was one of the few who’d not been fooled by the post separation distortion campaign. So, he agreed to see me when I needed it and provide reality checks on occasion.)

Learning to stand in OUR own reality, to remain in Kansas and refuse to take a trip to the Land of Oz, or BPD-Land as I’m known to call it, is hard work. Some days we travel a foot or two.. sometimes a mile or two.. sometimes we can stand in our own reality for weeks at a time. The length of time is not so important, at the beginning of our Journey as the fact that we KNOW that we can leave Oz.. and have tools, skills and resources to find our way back. It (Healing) is not a solid place.. but a Journey..

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.