Verbal Abuse

Frequently asked Questions

What is verbal abuse?

Verbal abuse is hostile language that hurts the listener and is not accidental. (For example, it's not language that someone overhears by mistake; the speaker _intends_ the listener to hear it.)

"Since nothing really happens, isn't verbal abuse harmless?"

No. Verbal abuse can be just as life-threatening as a loaded gun. If you are exposed to chronice verbal abuse -- whether as abuser, as victim, or as an innocent bystander who doesn't have the option to leave the scene -- you are in danger. The major risk factors for all diseases and disorders, across the board, are hostility and loneliness; the only "cure" is better language.

"Who are the worst verbal abusers -- men, or women?"

One is just as likely as the other.. Anyone can be a verbal abuser, including small children and people who are physically very frail. Women are a bit more likely to be verbal victims because they are so often outranked in our society, but male verbal victims are in no way unusual.

"Where can verbal victims -- or verbal abusers who'd like to change their ways -- go for help?"

Almost no expert help is available unless the individual has access to a professional therapist. You can't call the police or a social service agency and complain that you've been verbally abused. There's no _law_ against verbal abuse in the U.S., and the lack of a definition for it that will stand up in a court of law (like the definitions for libel and slander, for example) makes it difficult for professionals or agencies to intervene and offer help. This is beginning to change, at long last -- but very, very slowly.

"I'm a verbal victim. What can I do?"

The most important thing you can do is something you've already done -- becoming aware that you _are_ a verbal victim. The next thing is to understand that verbal abuse, unlike other kinds of abuse, requires a participating partner, a living human being to play the victim role. When you fill that role you're rewarding the verbal abuser's behavior; the longer you keep that up, the stronger the habit will become. Finally, you need to understand that most chronic verbal abusers aren't sadistic monsters whose goal is to cause pain -- instead, they do verbal abuse to satisfy their need for human attention. They cause pain because they've learned that pain will _get_ attention; it's not their purpose. That doesn't excuse what they do, but it's important for it to be understood.

"If most verbal abusers don't really mean any harm, aren't so-called verbal victims just neurotics who make mountains out of molehills?"

No. The abusers' intentions are irrelevant. When chemical companies dump toxic waste into a water system, their goal isn't to poison people; they do it because it's convenient and cheap. We do our best to make them stop it all the same, and the poisoning is just as dangerous as if it were deliberate. The same thing is true for verbal abusers; whatever their motives, they have no right to harm others with their language. The pain they cause is real, and its effects are dangerous and nontrivial.

"What's the worst kind of verbal abuse there is?"

That depends on the people involved. It's like asking what is the worst kind of _physical_ abuse -- it depends. But long term verbal abuse, of any kind, is worse than short term verbal abuse.

"What do verbal abusers say when they realize what they're doing?"

Two things. "Well, at least I never HIT anybody!" (And they're proud of that, as if it were a major achievement.) "Hey, I don't MEAN to hurt anybody!" (And they consider that a complete excuse.)

"What do verbal victims say when they realize what they're doing?"

Three things. "Well, at least he/she never HITS me!" ... "I knew I was always miserable, but I didn't know why; now I know why." ... "It's all my fault -- I shouldn't be so sensitive."

"Isn't assertiveness training the best way to end verbal abuse?"

If you always say the wrong thing, whether as victim or as attacker, assertiveness training will only teach you how to say the wrong thing far more effectively and articulately. That's not an improvement. Assertiveness training can be very helpful, but it's not a solution for verbal abuse.

"Is there a connection between verbal abuse and physical abuse?"

Yes. Verbal violence is where physical violence begins. Sane people don't just walk up to others and start htting; first there are hostile words. While the abuse is still verbal, anyone can learn how to keep it from escalating; once it's physical, it becomes a matter for law enforcement and emergency medicine. We have to teach our children about this more carefully than we do. When children who hurt others with words are always told not to worry about it -- "Oh, Tracy just can't take a joke! He'll/She'll get over it!" -- the children get the message that causing people pain is okay. They learn that when their words hurt other people, something is wrong with those people. We shouldn't be surprised if that message gets transferred to physical abuse.

"Isn't a verbal abuser/victim pair a typical example of codependency?"

In some ways, yes, but there are critical differences.. First: Verbal abuse, unlike any other kind of abuse, cannot be done alone. The verbal abuser's need is to get and hold the victim's attention, along with the emotional reactions that are evidence of the power to do so. That requires the victim's participation and it means that the targets of verbal abuse aren't helpless -- there are things they can do to defend themselves. This isn't "blaming the victim," it's _empowering_ the victim. Second: You can't help alcoholics by giving them drinks, but you can help verbal abusers by giving them attention. Their problem is that they really believe that there's no other way they can get attention except by verbally abusing others. If people make a point of giving them attention that is in no way linked to hostile language, it will help.

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.