BPD411 - Thoughts On Anger

Thoughts On Anger

From the List Someone on our mailing list wrote:

"Just for today, I will not anger.

Just for today, I will seek to understand.

Just for today, I will honor others,

Just for today, I will honor myself."

Another list member responded:

Just a quibble… I protest that we MUST anger. We have no choice. But we can learn to react to it (anger) differently. But forget about willing it away. :) Otherwise great!

JOY AND WOE

Joy and woe are woven fine,

A clothing for the soul divine;

Under every grief and pine

Runs a joy and silken twine.

It is right it should be so;

Man was made for joy and woe;

and, when this we rightly know,

Safely through the world we go.

William Blake, 1863

Destiny wrote:

Thanks for your thoughts and the wonderful poem!! I have some thoughts of my own I’d like to add.

I have learned to see my anger as a gift to be listened to that is telling me that something is wrong. Usually what is wrong is more than what is happening at that moment. And what is happening at that moment is reminding me, down deep inside, of something that may have happened long ago when I was vulnerable to being abused and was not in a place to respond with an appropriate boundary. So, often, the anger I experience may be out of proportion to the stimulus of the moment. Here at bpd411, we call that a "trigger."

Sometimes my anger is also telling me that my boundaries are being violated NOW. It can be extremely difficult to tell the difference. When I have been willing to take time to examine the anger, I have been able to learn a lot about myself. When I swallow my anger, the anger can not work for me and help me to take care of myself.

But when I am experiencing anger, as you explained, I need to make sure that if I choose to express it, I do so in a way that is constructive. In my view, constructive anger does not seek to destroy, to harm or to shame the other person.

One simple model that has been helpful to me in verbalizing my anger or my boundaries kindly, respectfully and clearly is the concept of "SET" from the book "I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me" (a very compassionately written book about BPD). SET is an acronym for "Support, Empathy and Truth". The premise is that by expressing ourselves to the person with BPD in a way that demonstrates all three of these elements, we increase our chances of being heard by the person. We tell them the truth in the context of a supportive, positive intention.

I have found that using SET also works well when I am broaching an emotionally charged subject with a friend, client or colleague. If am able to express my anger, my concern or my boundary in a way that can be heard by the other person, that can open up discussion and that can ultimately lead to deepening our relationship, I have put my anger to work in a constructive way.

Constructive anger may protect me. It may lead me to deeper self-examination. It may lead me to refine my boundaries. It may lead to a deeper friendship. So, to me, it’s really important to give my anger a voice.

There is much more that could be said about anger.

’Anybody?

Kelly Responds:

It’s important in my opinion to differentiate between anger and raging. Anger is a feeling that comes when our boundaries are violated, or we are interrupted, or an injustice has been foisted upon us, or for whatever reason. Feeling angry inside about some "injustice" is clearly something we all experience from time to time. When anger spills out of us in an uncontrolled fashion onto those around us, that is when there is a big problem. It may be a BP Flea, but fleas belong to us. It could be that a trigger has been pushed, and this can happen in a snowballing fashion. However, it’s up to us to get rid of the trigger, and react in a more resourceful way. It’s the one and only thing we as Nons have control over in this situation.

Part of the recovery process for Nons is getting in touch with your feelings. Pushing feelings down is unhealthy. We cannot say that anger is a bad emotion, it just IS an emotion. Denying that we feel angry is unhealthy. Staying angry without dealing with it in a resourceful, assertive way is also very unhealthy.

The best way, again in my opinion, of dealing with anger over the long term is to forgive those who have wronged us. Forgiveness of our significant other is vital to our own spiritual and emotional strength. By storing the anger inside of us, it’s my feeling that the only one we hurt is ourselves.

-Kelly