To "forgive and forget" has been a "Pandora's Box" issue in my life, as I can imagine it has been for many others. I can’t decide for others, but here’s how I addressed the issue for myself.
To begin I had to reach a understanding of what the words "forgive" and "forget" meant. I subscribe to the "KISS" philosophy in life (Keep It Simple Stupid) so I went right to the dictionary. This is what I learned:
FORGIVE: 1) to give up resentment of or claim to requital for "forgive an insult" 2) to cease to feel resentment against an offender, to PARDON, "forgive one's enemies", to grant forgiveness.
FORGET: 1) to lose the remembrance of, to be unable to think of or recall "I forget his name". 2) to treat with inattention or disregard "forgot their old friends" 3) to disregard intentionally: OVERLOOK usually used in the imperative "forget it" \. Intransitive Senses: to cease remembering or noticing. To "forgive and forget."
My next step was to apply the words, which I now understood, to my feelings about those I felt had caused me harm. For me, the "forgive and forget" principle was about my feelings, resentments, memories, and PTSD triggers and not about minimizing or justifying, or letting go of what another had done to wound, insult or harm me. It was about how I stayed attached to my anger in association with triggering events and people. It was not about them but all about my healing. So I chose to give up my resentment, work to reprogram my thinking about the exBPso, and heal by educating myself about boundaries, mental illness, and abuse so I would not be numb and voiceless if I ever faced those behaviors in the future.
Was I angry at my exBPso? Yes I most certainly was. I had to learn how to use my anger in healthy ways in order to benefit myself in the healing process. I could no longer blame or transfer responsibility for my association with my exBPso to her illness. I had to look at the reasons why I stayed, and what part of the dance I was responsible for. Judgment .... well, I left that up to Spirit.
My thought is that we forgive and forget to keep our own resentments from eating us alive. However, there is still the question of trust. Do we have to trust them? Do we have to believe they are sincere? My personal answer is NO. My exBPso’s actions caused me to question her integrity. Do I trust her? NO. I know that she is not mentally healthy. She lacks integrity and I chose to protect myself from any future harm by leaving the relationship. The few times that she did contact me after the relationship was over I did not allow her the opportunity to hurt me again. I shunned her and did not emotionally attach again.
It was not difficult for me to not associate with her. Leaving and relocating over 2,000 miles away did that. I still had to maintain healthy boundaries when she attempted to contact me via phone, email and letters. Boundaries there were important.
I am still learning. My relationship with my exBPso ended over 2 years ago and my healing process has been difficult but for me "forgive and forget" is no longer an issue that I struggle with.