All of us Nons know of individuals and even families who have experienced many traumatic events. Heck, we may even be that person.
Living with or having someone with borderline personality disorder may mean violation after violation. Whether the person is your parent, spouse, sibling, child, workplace acquaintance. Whether you are in the relationship, in the process of leaving the relationship, or committed to staying and making the relationship work, the trauma can happen over and over again.
Since many Non’s come from dysfunctional families where the ’norm’ was addictions, alcoholism, physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse, the trauma’s continue to affect us each day of our lives.
Until you find a space and place to step outside the situation of the relationship with the person who has the disorder, you cannot go through the circle of healing. As long as you stay ’inside’, you never get a chance to completely come through the circle when you’re re-victimized all over again. Every time you’re traumatized, it adds on -- like a snowball rolling down a hill. It might stop. When it gets going, it keeps the same momentum because of the size of the snowball.
The snowball reaches the bottom of the mountain and it is a certain size. The along comes another ’push’ and the snowball finds that it is at the top of another mountain. It starts at the top of the mountain, rolls through a valley and then down another mountainside, continuing to pick up snow and grow larger.
Each time it stops, it may stay in the same position and the same size, until it is ’pushed’ by another trauma. While it is resting in a valley, it may grow smaller. The sun might come out, or the weather get warmer for a short time.
Each time a Non is violated, if he/she doesn’t get the resources needed to truly heal, the Non will keep carrying the weight of ALL their pain with them. With each additional trauma, it (the snowball) continues to grow.
When times are normal, a Non will react out of context with the current situation. When a Non gets hurt again, s/he may react to everything, past and present. The Non reacts out of context to the current situation, but in context with the larger situation.
For example, a person a Non meets in the present is somehow connected to the memory of a past abuser. This can be a therapist, a friend, a partner, a colleague. Even someone on the BPD411 List who is doing their best to help the Non might become connected to the past memory. The Non’s emotional reactions in this present time are out of context to the current situation, because s/he is carrying the weight of the entire snowball, and all the weight it has picked up coming down those endless mountain after mountain after mountain. The Non feels not only the pain of the current situation, but ALL the pain of past similar situations.
While a Non remains in a relationship with the person with bpd, many things may make the situation worse. The sleep deprivation that may be part of how the disorder works, the black and white thinking, the splitting, ……
Recovery means taking it one day at a time. It may mean getting out of the relationship for a time or for the rest of your life. It may mean a restraining order, other court intervention, getting education, information and support from many sources: counseling, therapy, books, the world wide web, support groups in real life or in cyber space. It will mean a commitment to your own emotional well being. It will mean picking yourself up each time you stumble, or allowing others to help you up. It may mean allowing us at EggShell Walkers to hold you up, or even the occasional kick in the proverbial behind. But the Journey to Wellness is worth it.
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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.
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