Siren’s Dance There is a new book out by Anthony Walker, MD (not his real name) called Siren’s Dance. Once I (Kelly) started reading it, I was unable to put it down, and completed the book in one sitting. Although I’m feeling a little tired, it was well worth the investment. Siren’s Dance is the first narrative book that I’ve read that is written by a NonBP about his experiences. There are several narrative books by people on the borderline side of the equation, but this is the first and only book I know of that tells a Non’s side of the story. It wasn’t suspenseful reading, at least not for me, as I knew the end before I opened the book. In our collective experience at www.bpd411.orgno NonBP still married to their BPSO could write this sort of book and stay married. The rest of this review is a spoiler, if you don’t want to know what happened in detail, stop reading the review, and go get the book. Come back and finish after you’ve read the book and see if your conclusions are similar or dissimilar to mine. If you are a Non, it’s worth reading, that much I can promise up front. Scroll down if you don’t mind the spoiler...
You’re still here? Ok. The story is a simple one. Boy meets girl. Boy looses marbles. Girl lost marbles a long time ago. Boy and girl have several rather explicit sexual encounters (this book is NOT for children and could form the basis for an R movie similar to Bliss). Girl’s parents are a few fries short of a happy meal. Boy’s friends and professional colleagues warn him of the ultimate ’bad end’ that is the only realistic outcome of such a relationship, which Boy of course, ignores. Boy thinks love will ’fix’ it. Boy’s parents wish he wasn’t playing marbles at all. Girl manipulates boy into marriage, Girl hurts boy severely. Boy finally takes marbles and goes to a new home a continent away to make new home and we hope, a happier life. Now for the caveats. Each Non’s story is going to be different. That’s granted. I think though that it is important to point out the specific ways that this story reflects the typical experience, and in which ways it is atypical.
It is typical in that the NonBP even with all his training, (he’s a doctor, training to be a psychiatrist), even with all the emotional distance he has now, even with more than a decade behind him, the author is still minimizing, rationalizing and defending this, the love of his life. (At least so far as the book portrays it.) In the end of the book, he discusses how treatable BPD is, and says that this book should not be taken as a cautionary tale. I think that is EXACTLY what this book should be taken as. It does a damn good job at being a cautionary tale.
It’s typical in that the Non is presented as someone with a savior complex, always wanting to help the weakest and most injured things. It’s typical in that the borderline had the Non wrapped around her finger almost instantly (although it doesn’t go deeply into the reflection of the NonBP’s personality that so often occurs in these situations.) Sex clearly played a large part in this story, as it does for many of these kinds of relationships. However, it is just as common for sex to be extremely bad or extremely infrequent as it is to be exciting as in this relationship. He states, "It was dangerously exhilarating, like a joyride on a roller coaster in the dark after the park had closed for the day."
The story was typical, in that it was a whirlwind relationship. They went from meeting to engaged in three months, married in six, despite him planning to have a one year engagement. Manipulation played a large role in how fast things went, although he was a very willing lamb to the slaughter.
Typically, the dating/engagement period was a fairly positive experience. Also typically, the morning after the wedding day, the gloves came off. "So it is more important for you to go for a run than to be with me?" was her first post-marital shot. The author went from being an ultra marathoner in great physical shapre, to being seriously overweight in a matter of six months.
Perhaps the most typical part of his experience was the wedge that she purposefully drove between him and his family and friends. The take home message is you can’t love someone with this disorder enough and still have a good relationship with your family or your friends. This is probably about as universal as splitting and raging amongst those with the disorder.
The author’s wife, who has the disorder did not deal well with being separated from her support system, and manipulated herself back into her comfort zone with amazing speed. She displays lots of object constancy issues if you are looking for them. She creates a number of classic (and brilliant) double bind, no win situations. She uses emotional blackmail with amazing results. Eventually tho he gets some emotional distance and begins to reclaim his life.
The author is courageous in admitting that he lost it on several occasions, vandalizing her property and at one point actually slapping her in the face (in self defense). He admits to having acquired some fleas, although probably not as many as a longer experience would have brought out.
The author clearly expresses the feeling that he ran out of emotional gas. This is one of the most instructive parts of the book. As he created emotional distance, his BPSO’s behaviors decreased. This is the point where typically the BP would instinctively "feel" something was amiss and begin the hoovering process.
In the end, she left him before he could leave her. This is also common occurrence. A result of the emotional distance he had been able to acquire.
His story is not typical in several important aspects. First, his BPSO was self aware of her condition. She apologizes at least FOUR times in the book. This is unusual in many NonBP’s stories and almost never happens in a relationship with a high functioning borderline. She doesn’t deny her condition, (which in itself is a miracle!) but does, in a typical fashion, use it as an excuse to justify bad behavior.
Second, he knew of her condition from day one. They met in a psychiatric unit. Most Nons are unaware of their significant other’s diagnosis (or even the name of the condition in the face of no official diagnosis) for years into the marriage, if ever. He knew what he was getting into, but like a moth to a flame, he went there anyway over the objections of several people close to him who knew better. This probably had a lot to do with how quickly and efficiently he got out.
Third, he got out quick. One violent episode was all it took for him to back off, start getting emotional distance, start lying, start scheming in secret about how to get out. Most Nons would take this nonsense for years, this guy had some clear boundaries that he stuck to. When she got to the point of almost "breaking him in" he realized he was broken and got out.
Many Nons are simply broken, and stay that way for years. He had a lot of insight into himself, "Yet the more I gave, the more pathetic and weak I became. It could never work." Most Nons do not say that.
There are two spikes in the continuum of NonBPs, the kind that last, like he did, for around 18 months, and the kind that last about 12-15 years. This is a great story about the first kind, the kind of story where the NonBP has reasonably healthy boundaries. We need another book someday about the second kind, where the NonBP doesn’t have much of any boundaries, and the borderline destroys the boundaries that they do initially have.
Fourth, his BPSO was in therapy, at least most of the time, although this isn’t mentioned until quite a way into the story. Despite this, it didn’t change the outcome. I’m sure he now thinks the therapist was no good, didn’t have enough compassion, or simply lacked the advanced tools that are available today. While I’m sure her being in therapy gave him a little more hope, this isn’t stated in the book.
Fifth, this Non always considered his own survival as more important than the recovery of his BPSO. "The moment after she stabbed me with the key, I realized that I had been misguided in my belief that I could help her." Many Nons would have simply redoubled their efforts at this point.
Sixth, perhaps the most atypical part of this book is the ending. There was no significant hoovering. I’m sure there was in real life, but he had so successfully emotionally distanced himself, that once he made the survival decision to leave, she could not suck him back in. "In that brief moment I felt affection for her that I had not felt in some time, but the offering was not enough to make me change my mind." He brilliantly made his first move a physical and geographic relocation to another continent. While she did briefly visit, with the obligatory sad, last sex scene, it was over. She also offered that he could see his parents whenever he wanted, but again, this wasn’t enough to sway his decision. The majority of Nons vacillate much more than this and get sucked back in over and over and over. The majority of BPs are better at the hoovering game than she seemed to be. She simply moved on to the next victim quickly and fairly quietly.
This book does show the importance of our main teaching points here at bpd411.org. It shows how important strong boundaries are, and it demonstrates the process and results of emotional distance. His coming out of the fog and recovery from his experience after the separation are an important part of the book. His initial recovery was relatively quick, although there are clearly lingering effects to this day. His unbounded hopefulness, his minimization, his rationalization, and being smitten with this creature all still haunt the author.
From our point of view here at bpd411, the question of high functioning versus low functioning is an important distinction. The woman in the book has one reported cutting incident, and one fairly serious suicide attempt and lots of suicidal ideation. I’d have to go for low functioning because she was not seen as the belle of the ball by her friends, she was hospitalized, she did cut, it was obvious to everyone that she had a problem.
However, the author in his minimizing way, doesn’t go into details about the emotional and physical abuse she inflicted upon him. The few arguments that are described (out of surely countless hundreds to choose from) are not presented as rages, but merely ’heated discussions’.
More honesty on his part would serve the book and it’s readers well. Because of a few comments he made, I’m sure that there were raging sessions, but they aren’t recounted with any vividness, which is such a crucial part of the NonBP and BPD dance. Since most borderlines rage quite well, this seems like an important omission.
He did not face the important, common problem that partners of high functioning borderlines face, that of having their friends simply not believe them. She was clearly bad off enough that she couldn’t hide her dysfunction. Nor did he face the severe distortion campaign that is so many Non’s face when the relationship finally ends.
He never said whether he found love again. I hope that he did. It seems a strange thing to leave out if he did have a successful relationship after this experience, but maybe he just got married to his work. It’s hard to say from the book alone.
Perhaps the biggest unanswered question is what would have happened had he gotten his stated with to have had a child with this woman. Certainly the parting could not have been so clean. Certainly there would have been more effective and sustained hoovering. Thank heavens for all involved that this particular borderline had the rare insite to realize that that she would not have been a good mother!!
If you are a NonBP, those of us at www.BPD411.org strongly encourage you to read this book.
Warning: We disagree strongly with his conclusion that this mans experience should be viewed as a "case study" rather than a cautionary tale. It is, most definitely, a cautionary tale about the trauma that almost everyone experiences if they are involved with someone who has this mental illness. If he wants a book that’s a case study and not a cautionary tale, he should get the spouse one of his allegedly cured patients to write a book on their experience. Thus far, no one in the literary world has published such a tale and based on our collective thousands of man hours experience, there are no cures for this mental illness.
The other concern we have is that by identifying the woman in this tale as ’the borderline’, she is objectified, and to some extent made less a human being. At www.bpd411.org we refer to those unfortunate folks who have Borderline Personality Disorder as people with a mental illness or it’s traits, not ’the BPD’ or ’the borderline’. Human beings are more than the diagnosis they may carry, and deserve that respect, no matter how violating or emotionally violating their actions may be.
The author has not learned all the lessons he might have in this, and admits by his behavior that he is still in active ’savior mode’,’ as he is now professionally active and carries a heavy load of patients with this mental illness as a psychiatrist. Those who is in ’the business of therapy’, know that this is an unhealthy thing. So unhealthy in fact that many professional associations ahve guidelines recommending a limit no more than two or three patients with this disorder in one’s professional practice.
Finally, his conclusions that there is hope should be viewed through the filter that his career is based upon the fact that there is hope. If there were not hope, he would be out of a job.
It has been pointed out, correctly in my opinion, that this relationship began on an ethically shaky foundation. Most people who study and care about ethics in the conditions that these people met would agree that a doctor (or even a medical student) should not begin a relationship with a patient or a former patient for at least two years after the doctor patient relationship has ended.
This story has no clear hero, and no clear villan. Both parties made mistakes. In this respect, at least, it is the story of all of us.
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