The Price of Keeping the Silence

"Keeping the silence" can be almost as traumatic to our children as the trauma they have experienced at the hands of their BP parent.

As a former therapist, I dealt with this issue often. Silence is one tool that the BP, abuser and/or controller uses to maintain and limit family resources and support. One of the places many Non’s get stuck, is in trying to "keep the lid on" the dysfunction that the disorder brings into the family... to keep it as "normal" as possible. When we do that, our children pay the highest price. You would not want your child to grow up and find someone with BPD... to try to resolve (unconsciously) the issues she/he has witnessed between you and your BP. Silence makes it much more likely that she/he will do just that.

In asking our children to keep secrets, we make the situation harder for them and for ourselves. Silence is the enemy here... silence between us and our children... silence between us and those who might be resources and supports for our families. In a very real way silence also limits your child’s ability to talk to YOU about how she/he is feeling, what she/he is thinking, and how the disorder is affecting her/him. Children need to KNOW that they can talk to you about anything, anytime. What if, Heaven forbid, your child were to be assaulted or violated? That is a real possibility with BPD or any other mental illness. She/he might be hesitant to tell you or anyone what was happening. THAT would be a second tragedy.

When we (as the parent) put a veil of secrecy on a traumatic event, in many ways we "normalize" it, make excuses for it, and give the child a very unhealthy role model. The underlying message is that abuse is okay... that there are reasons why someone can harm them without consequences... and that people will pretend that nothing happened.

Instead, our children need to be free to talk about how they feel. We need to take their concerns and fears VERY seriously... NEVER minimizing them or telling them that their feelings are silly, wrong or bad. Their feelings are there as HELPERS to help them stay safe... to help them learn and grow. Being fearful, angry and resentful are normal, HEALTHY responses to abusive behavior! Protecting the BP is NOT our job.

Also remember that being in Oz has skewed our perceptions... making horrendous things seem less than that... making awful violations of our souls and spirits day-to-day occurrences... making our Spirit wounded, our heart sick, and our brain confused. That is what Oz does to us.

BPD is a terrible disorder that influences people to do terrible and violating things. But that is NO EXCUSE! There is never any excuse for abuse. NONE! It is NOT normal! We deserve so much more. I was part of a study in Manitoba, Canada last year (2000) on domestic violence. Of the nine murder/suicides we studied, in SIX of them (count ’em... SIX!!!) the husband who killed wife, children and other relatives, had been diagnosed with BPD!!!

Please... get safe, stay safe. Keep your children safe... develop a safety plan... talk to your children. If you’re not comfortable with local resources, contact one of us off list and we’ll help you do it.

Please remember...

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

You did NOT CAUSE it.

You CANNOT CONTROL it.

You CANNOT CURE it.

With the utmost respect and caring,

Deedee, with help from Intuitive Non.

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.