Often when we're trying to make sense of being in a relationship, or ending one, or recovering from one with a person who has BPD or its traits, and we ask "why?" the answer is one of the following:
Why is not important. It truly is not.
What is important is what are we going to do about the situation? How are we going to recover, get healthier, heal, move on.
Too much energy seeking the "why?" will only keep us from focusing on what we need to do for ourselves.
Deedee’s Rules of Engagement for BPD Land:
Rule #1: If anything is not as the BPD wishes/hopes/dreams, needs/wants/desires, it is always the fault of the Non. If the Non would just (insert behavior, thought or action here), the relationship and their joint lives would be perfect.
Rule #2:If for some miracle, or reason or act of God, it is not the fault of the Non, refer to Rule#1.
Rule #3: Everything in the reality of the Non must be about the person with the disorder.
Rule #4: If by some miracle, it is not about the person with the disorder, s/he must ensure that the entire reality of both experience changes immediately so that it is, once more, all about the person with the disorder.
Rule #5: If at any time the Non figures out the Rules of Engagement for BPD Land, the BPD'er must change the situation, rewrite history, and thereby purchase the Non a one way ticket back to BPD Land.
Rule #6: If Rule #5 fails, the person with the disorder must use a major hoover, promise anything, mirror the Non exactly, seduce the Non, or engage in multiple acts of what ever worked last time to convince the Non that "this time will be different".
Rule #7: If Rule #4&5 fail, the person with the disorder must immediately split the Non bad, and do all in their power to make the Non's life absolute ****, using raging, splitting, distortion campaigns, chaos production, threats and intimidation, stalking, legal actions, and anything else at the disposal of the BPD'er.
Rule #8: Repeat Rules #5 to #7 over and over until the Non is healthy enough to leave BPD Land forever.
-Deedee- a not so famous 21st century recovering Non.