Rescuing, Boundaries and Futility

Is it Your Job to Save your Significant Other? So You Just Found Out About BPD and You Think YOU Can Save Him/Her. This is a common place to find yourself.

A writer on our mailing list wrote:

Oh My...I just got a few books , "I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me" and SWOE. I’ve been reading the I Hate You book. It’s my ex...it describes him perfectly. Things that I wasn’t even aware were considered BPD actions are very common in him."

Eren said: This is also known as the ’Light bulb Effect ’.

That’s great that you are reading up on this. Understanding more about BPD will help you make a decision about staying or leaving. And about setting boundaries in the meantime. Good for you!

I don’t know what to do, I want to help him and I know that HE wants help too. He’s mentioned many times before that he knew "something" was wrong with him. That he knew his actions weren’t right, but that he "couldn’t control himself". He just doesn’t know what to do about it. I know that a big part of him pushing me away like he did was so he could try and heal himself. I just think he’s going about it in the wrong way..

Eren said: Has he ASKED for help? Has he actively sought help? Is he in long-term therapy with a therapist who understands BPD? What steps has HE taken?? It is fine for him to SAY he wants help, it is another thing for him to be actively pursuing getting healthy. YOU cannot do this for him. You CAN be supportive but you have to remember that this is HIS thing, not yours and no matter how much you love him, you cannot make him better. The work is HIS.

And I know what you all are thinking....Codependent . heh

Eren said: And what do you think? Have you read about codependancy? Do you feel that fits for you? It really doesn’t matter what WE think, what do YOU think when you allow yourself to be completely honest?

And I know that you’re going to tell me to get on with my life and my healing. But how do you get past loving this person? For so long, things were so good....isn’t it natural to want to have that back? Isn’t it natural to want this person to get help because you DO care so much about them? And because you know that despite their recent actions, there’s a caring, frightened person in there that needs to be loved, and needs help?

Eren said: All of what you say is very valid. Of course you want him to get better because you love him. Something to think about though, don’t assume that his "bad" side is not as real as his "good" side. What you see when you are in love and all is well is actually him mirroring you. He is reflecting back to you your best qualities. When his "other" side is revealed it is just as real, IMHO even "more" real, than his "good" side. Also, no matter what, mental illness or no, that is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR . That can include raging, mental/verbal/physical/spiritual abuse.

My ex was friendly to me today in some email correspondance. We hadn’t had contact in well over a week, and since I moved out, he’s been nothing but cold and his e-mails were typically no more than a few words long. Today....he was the man I fell in love with. He expressed some feelings of doubt last time we talked, even though it was vague and he was still detached and angry with me. (because, of course this is ALL MY fault)

But today....today he was more the man I *knew*. I don’t know what to make of it, and I didn’t really react to it. In the past couple of months, it seems any gesture of friendliness on my part only served to push him further away and make him distrust me.

Eren: This is part of the abandonment/engulfment cycle . You get too close, he pushes you away. Go too far, and he’ll want to pull you back closer.

(Yeah...HE distrusts ME. He even told me once that the fact that I loved him made him suspicious of me as a person) So...I didn’t really react to it. Every time I let my guard down with him, I only get kicked in the gut in return.

Eren said: You do understand what a hoover is, don’t you? If not, please read the pages at the website or talk to others who’ve been there on the mailing list here. It’s important to understand what your ex will do during a hoover and to understand your part in the "dance" as well. Behind the hoover is always the reality that your ex still has BPD, is still untreated, is still not actively doing anything to change his life. That’s not a lot to go back to, for you.

But...there lies the conflict. I love him. I love what we had once. I’d never been happier....and right now, I’ve never been more miserable. Do I let my guard down and see what happens? Or do I slam the door in his face and then wonder for the rest of my life if I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me?

Eren said: You need to do what feels right for you. Don’t ignore what your gut is telling you though. I don’t think you’d be here on this list if you didn’t have your doubts about this being the right relationship for you. I’m not saying your ex is a terrible person because he has BPD and you should just throw him away. He’s a human being and deserving of love and respect. But, he’s not a "healthy" human being and you need to think about what he can bring to the relationship. How much will you be giving? How much will he be taking? What is he truly capable of (right now, based in reality, NOT what you imagine he COULD be capable of deep down etc.).

You have choices here. Think about what they are and look after yourself and your own mental/physical well-being. I grew up in a family where BP behaviour was the norm and the damage that inflicted on me was horrendous. Think about whether you want to have children one day. Do you honestly think this person could parent them in a healthy way? I’ve not yet met a BP parent who could do that. There is more to think about than just the immediate "rush" of being in love. You deserve to take some time for yourself to get healthy and think about what is best for you. Don’t rush into anything without really examining it from all angles. You deserve a happy and healthy life, think about what you need to do in order to achieve that.

I’m sorry you’ve had to experience the rollercoaster ride to OZ, it’s one h--- of a ride.

Peace,

Eren.

BPD411 Home - Services - Resources - Partners - Contact Us - Mailing List

Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.