Why it’s Hard About sixteen months into my pretty intensive therapy, I asked my therapist, "Do you think I was abused in my relationship with <BPSO>?" It was a serious question, but I think my therapist nearly laughed at me for asking. (Thank goodness that she didn’t.) Even at that point, after seventeen months of being separated from my BPSO, and living for the most part outside of Oz, I had no real recognition of the fact that I had been abused in the relationship. I was still in denial.
I believe this is a common phenomenon in the community of Nons. Even though you know it was uncomfortable, confusing, disorienting, etc. in being with your BPSO, was it abuse? What then constitutes abuse?
Abuse can be generally described as physical, verbal, emotional, sexual or a combination of these.
Physical abuse is fairly easy. If the other person has hit you, choked you, twisted your arm, etc. it’s abuse. It’s easy to get lost in Oz even in this simpler to diagnose type of abuse. One BP abuser claimed, "I never hit you with a ’closed’ fist!" Therefore, in his mind, it was not abuse. For a while, the Non in this relationship may have bought into this crazy definition. Sleep deprivation is a form of physical abuse. Many people with BP traits use sleep deprivation to gain a higher level of control over the Non in their lives. (It is noteworthy that the armed forces also use sleep deprivation as a form of mild torture to make prisoners talk.) Taking advantage of you when you are sick, or not providing basic care when you are ill are also forms of physical abuse common in the lives of Nons who might otherwise think they have not been physically abused. Physical abuse rarely exists independently of verbal and emotional abuse.
Verbal abuse is also fairly easy to diagnose. If your BPSO has ever raged at you, then you have been verbally assaulted and abused. Raging is different than simply yelling. While yelling can be emotionally abusive, depending upon the words chosen, raging is a state where some level of control has been lost on the part of the abuser. Someone who is raging normally has a red face, and may have clenched fists, be in your personal space, may spit on you while yelling, may yell very loudly. From the abused side, raging is frightening. You are not sure at that point what the other person is capable of. They may punch the wall, throw things, or be physically intimidating in many other ways while raging. Raging sometimes escalates to physical abuse, but it doesn’t have to.
Emotional abuse is harder for most people to really understand, particularly in their own situation. Emotional abuse has been defined as the systematic tearing down of another human being. It is a pattern of behavior that can seriously interfere with your emotional health. Emotional abuse is the least understood type of abuse, but is the most prevalent type in BP relationships. It is one of the cruelest and most destructive kinds of abuse. The key difference between abuse and simply being emotionally stupid from time to time is the pattern, the ’systematic’ in the definition. If a person exhibits a clear enough pattern to fit the diagnosis of BPD, they are almost certainly emotionally abusive of some of the people in their lives.
Because emotional abuse attacks the Non’s psyche and self-concept, you come to see yourself as unworthy of love and affection. Nons who are constantly shamed, humiliated, terrorized or rejected suffer at least as much, if not more, than if they had been physically assaulted. Many Nons have good boundaries around physical abuse, and if they were physically abused, they would leave the relationship immediately. Without good emotional boundaries, many Nons stay in emotionally abusive relationships far longer, and thus suffer more. An infant who is severely deprived of basic emotional nurturing, even though physically well cared for, can fail to thrive and can eventually die. The insides of a Non can go dormant or die in the same way. If you feel numb inside, it is most likely as a result of emotional abuse.
The primary long term effect of emotional abuse is the development of a low self-esteem on the part of the abused.
Other types of abuse are usually identifiable because marks or other physical evidence is left, however, emotional abuse can be very hard to diagnose or even to define. In some instances, an emotionally abused child will show no signs of abuse. For this reason, emotional abuse is the most difficult form of child maltreatment to identify and stop. This type of abuse leaves hidden scars that manifest themselves in numerous ways. Insecurity, poor self-esteem, destructive behavior, angry acts (such as fire setting or cruelty to animals), withdrawal, poor development of basic skills, alcohol or drug abuse, suicide and difficulty forming relationships can all be possible results of emotional abuse.
Nons are often sexually abused by their BPSO. This can be of a form of withholding sex, requesting sex acts that you aren’t comfortable with, or making sex a weapon with which to gain compliance. Just as healthy peer relationships don’t involve punishment, reward should not part of the equation.
Far too often, the Non loses it with their BPSO. After years of abuse, and observing the patterns of abuse, Nons often fall into the roll of abuser as well as abused. If your BPSO rages at you and you rage back, then you are just as guilty of abuse. Get help. Move forward.
For a checklist approach to determining if you are in an abusive relationship, read this.
-Kelly
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