BPD411 - Projection

Projection

What they Say about Us is What They’re Really Saying about Themselves Projection is a common behavior among people who have traits of borderline personality disorder.

Simply stated, it is to project your own limitations, faults and feelings onto another person. Thus, for example, a BP who is having thoughts of cheating, or who is actually cheating on his spouse will accuse the spouse of infidelity. A BP who is having thoughts of violence will feel that they are being threatened and will be paranoid that you are seeking to harm them physically.

Understanding projection helps you to figure out what the BP in your life might be up to. When they say, "you should really seek professional help", what they mean is, "I’m in trouble here, and I need professional help." Of course, confronted with this information, they will deny to their dying breath that is what they meant, but it lets you know what’s really going on in many cases.

Here is a conversation we had on list regarding Projection

>> Where did your BPSO get the idea you didn’t want to spend T-day with him? <<

"I don’t know where he came up with that. All I said was that I wish there were more hours in this day. I have to go to the grocery store, the drugstore, the library, and hopefully Blockbusters. Plus we had a guy come to make an estimate on a job for us. And a guy is here pinstriping our new car. So I feel like it’s just a very busy day. He translated that into not wanting to spend Thanksgiving with him. What a leap. I suppose what he wanted was reassurance, and I gave it to him."

Tansi,

This is Deedee, putting her former therapists hat back on top of her pointy lil head..

It may be that he is Projecting.. I know.. who would have thought?

When someone with bpd comes up with something totally unrelated (at least to a logical mind) idea, that is way out of touch with the reality that you have experienced, it’s often a good bet that what they’re saying ABOUT you is really about what is going on in HIS head..this is called Projection. When the Non begins to believe it, it’s called: Projective Identification.

Maybe he had rotten thanksgivings in his past?, and is dealing with some post traumatic stress or sadness, maybe he’s afraid that all your time and attention will be focused on your daughter and grandchild and he’ll be left out?, maybe he’s feeling that if he can create distance between you before you ’abandon’ him by paying attention to your daughter/grandchild that he’ll hurt less? Who knows?

Remember that famous Yr 2000 Philosopher? that Non-Guy?

Well, seems to me, he said: " it’s not about You (the NON)" Trying to make any sense of how a person with bpd thinks/feels can be a loosing proposition for us Non’s.. exhausting.. crazy-making, much better to stick to your own boundaries, make the best out of the holiday that you can for yourself, your daughter and grandchild.. If he chooses to enjoy and share with you, great, if not, that’s HIS choice.. he is welcome to choose to be miserable.. or not..

My therapist once said of my bpd ex h: "his perception of reality is at such diverse odds with 99% of the population of Humanity that it seldom connects at all".

My ex used to accuse me of all manner of things that had never entered my mind. Once he accused of having an affair with someone I’d seen once. When I very logically pointed out that I’d never been in a situation where there was ANY possibility of even seeing, much less sleeping with, this person (who really turned me off anyway), his next statement floored me: "Well if you aren’t actually doing it, I KNOW you’re THINKING about doing it!" How does one rationally discuss such a thing? One can’t. Bout the same as the number of times he got mad at me cuz of some dream he’d had in which I’d done something horrendous and refused to speak to me for days and days! I later found out he was having an affair with the wife of the man he accused me of having an affair with! BPD thinking makes no sense at all, and we can beat ourselves up trying to figure it all out.. or not..

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.. you have many Blessings to be thankful for..

respectfully,

Deedee

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.