BPD411 - What I Wish My Parents Had Done

What I Wish My Parents Had Done A group of adults, who have a parent with a mental illness, was asked the question "What could your well parent have done to help you cope better with your ill parent’s illness as you were growing up?" They graciously and eagerly shared their insights. Here is what they said.

Tell your child. Don’t hide the fact that their father or mother has a mental illness. There is no shame in having a mental illness. Children need a clear understanding of what is happening to their mother or father.

Explain what mental illness is. Your child needs to know their mom or dad has an illness just like a person whose heart does not work right or someone with diabetes. The only difference is that their mom or dad’s brain does not work properly and this is the reason they act the way they do.

Keep your child safe. Your child needs to feel safe and BE safe. If your child is not safe, remove them to a place that is, like the home of a loving relative. Don’t abandon them to cope with an ill parent alone. Even though a child may be safe, they may not feel safe. Reassure them often that they are safe.

Acknowledge your child’s feelings and struggles. Children may have trouble concentrating in school, they may not feel comfortable bringing friends home, they can become depressed. It is important to recognize your child’s feelings, concerns, and the obstacles they face with mental illness in the family.

Calm your child’s fears about getting the illness. Although the chances of a child getting a mental illness increase if they have a parent with a mental illness, this does not mean they WILL become ill. They need to be reassured that most children do not get the illness, and if they do, they can lead productive lives, even if their own parent isn’t.

Make sure they understand it’s not their fault. Sometimes ill informed or uncaring people or a stressed and angry parent can make a child feel as if they caused their parent’s illness. Children tend to think this on their own too. It is important that your child understands that their parent’s illness is NOT their fault.

Provide healthy role models. Children may need someone like an aunt, uncle, or grandparent to step in and teach them the types of things they normally would learn from their ill father or mother. Don’t cut your children off from other healthy relatives.

Make time for your child. It is easy for all your attention to be focused on your ill spouse, and for your child to become lost. All children need time and attention from their parents. Those with an ill parent probably need even more.

Reaffirm reality. Don’t pretend everything is normal when it isn’t. Your child needs to know that what is going on with their ill parent is not normal.

Help your child be able to "play". Allow your children a creative outlet to express themselves. Try to understand your child’s perspective. Children may learn to not take anything the ill parent says as the truth.It is difficult when a child has a parent who acts out hurtfully or abusively one moment, to believe them when they say "I love you" the next.

Don’t wait to get help. It is better for your children if you act quickly to get the help you need than to let a chaotic situation continue, hoping it will subside on its own.

Learn all YOU can about mental illness. In order to help your children understand and cope, YOU need to understand and learn how to cope yourself.

Take care of yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t help your children. Be sure to get the breaks and support you need.

Thanks to all of you who offered your advice so that others growing up with an ill parent will be better able to cope with this very difficult illness.

Another Answer

Not sure whether this is what you were looking for in answer to your question, Deedee, but my non-BP father -- and all the members of the extended family, and friends -- could have helped me by letting me know that Nada’s behavior was not "normal," and was the result of what she was going through and not something I was doing.

I naturally took quite literally all the horrible things she said about me. Nobody ever let on that there was anything odd about the way she behaved. I think that’s possibly because anyone who seemed to feel there was anything "wrong" with Nada was quickly removed from her life, if they didn’t remove themselves first.

I have often compared having a BPD parent with having a disability you acquired in childhood... I tell myself, "well, too bad, a bad thing happened to you; now you must move on, regardless." The only difference is that if you have a disabling disease or accident in childhood, others will at least acknowledge it and not deny that it happened. I think outsiders are loath to acknowledge a parent’s mental illness or addiction, so the children must not only suffer through life at the mercy of a BPD, but also through the endless days and nights of thinking that they themselves are crazy and imagining the whole thing.

I just wish one person, friend or family, had told me, "Hey, this is kinda f***ked up. I can’t help you, but I just wanted to say this is not normal and it’s not your fault." So little to ask....

-- Teddy

BPD411 Home - Services - Resources - Partners - Contact Us - Mailing List

Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.