Letter To A Non in Crisis

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To a Non in Crisis:

Thank you so much for sharing your story! That took a lot of courage. I am glad to felt safe enough to trust us.

I can hear your anguish. I can see your desire to be honest with yourself and to take responsibility for anything you may have contributed to the chaos in your relationship. You are obviously not running away from facing your own "stuff."

I can see how desperately you need to make sense of all that you have been through with your BP. Unfortunately, I have found that BPD is a disorder that does not fit with rational thinking. No matter how many times I have turned my own situation over in my mind, I have not been able to make sense of it. The person with BPD lives in an alternate dimension, if you will. They have a reality that does not make sense to us because it does not relate to the way we see the world ourselves.

The bottom line, in my opinion, is that we Nons are all flawed human beings with our own issues, faults and dysfunctions. We have all done wrong things in our relationships with our other people. All of us have made poor decisions. BUT, be that as it may, we are dealing with A partner with BPD, a very serious mental illness. As Deedee says so clearly, "I didn’t cause the disorder, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it." All that you are responsible is taking care of yourself and your children.

You mentioned getting into therapy yourself, and I really hope that you will do that. If you can find a therapist who "gets it" about BPD, you will be truly blessed. But even if you can’t find someone who understands BPD, you can look for someone who you feel can support you in looking at yourself, in getting an accurate perspective on yourself and in pursuing your own "healing path" (once again, Deedee’s term). You are NOT responsible for the BPD or for your partner’s behavior. You can only change yourself and care for your innocent children.

Can we help you to make a pile of the BPD "stuff" that you can set aside with your partner’s name on it? And make another pile of the "stuff" you can do something about? Assuming you will say "yes" to that invitation, may I encourage you to begin by doing things to take care of yourself and to sooth yourself. You are in trauma. The first thing to do is to breathe. If you have a "Higher Power" you can start by turning all of the turmoil over to your Higher Power... one day at a time.

I am thinking of you and hoping that something I have shared will be of help to you. The Serenity Prayer, which has been central to all 12 Step programs, has been a great help to me in dividing up those "piles" I was talking about:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Please keep writing!

Destiny

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.