It’s not all the BP’s Fault This is going to be one of the hardest pages to read on this web site. Make sure you are in a good space before proceeding.
There is a tendency among Nons first learning about BPD to turn the tables, and blame everything on their BPSO. This is natural, because your BPSO has been modelling this behavior for years. He’s been blaming you for everything all along. Now you find out that he has BPD, and you learn about projection and figure that hey, it’s all his fault.
This is black and white thinking. You have a flea my friend.
There is no perfect person in the world, so I’m pretty sure that you aren’t perfect. We all make our own unique mistakes, but there are some common mistakes that many Nons make, and that’s what this page is all about.
Many Nons enable their BPSOs by not setting proper boundaries. They allow themselves to be drawn into being a victim. You must shift your stance to that of a survivor as soon as the abuse ends. If you maintain your victim stance for longer than the abuse actually occurs, you are labelling yourself as a victim, and asking to be victimized again. Some stay in situations that are dangerous, and need to form a safety plan.
Many Nons have had BP behaviors modelled for them for a long time. This is particularly damaging to children of borderline parents. It is only natural for you to sometimes engage in BP-like behaviors, because that’s what you’ve been taught by example. You may rage when the BP rages at you. These are your issues, you need to work on them. They are called fleas.
When you put the needs of your BPSO ahead of your own needs, or the needs of your children. When your decisions are based upon what’s best for the person with borderline traits rather than yourself and the other people you are responsible for, you are exhibiting a particular form of poor boundary maintenance. You are taking responsibility for the life of your significant other. It is their life, not yours. If you allow them to run your life, you are like the man on the bridge. Understand the airplane metaphor. At some point you have to hand your significant other their own life back. Feeling sorry for them takes energy away from more important things that you have the ability to change.
Just as important as giving away the problems to your BPSO, is taking ownership of your own problems and issues. You’ve been in a relationship with someone who has a serious mental illness! It’s done some damage to you, or you wouldn’t be reading this. Acknowledge that you have been damaged. Take a personal inventory. Start working hard on the things you do have control over, and give the rest back to a higher power. Examine your own abandonment issues.
Yes, a lot of what has been happening to you is not your fault. It really isn’t. You are a sane person dealing with an insane disorder. You didn’t cause it. You can’t cure it. It isn’t your job to "fix" your BPSO. But you can and are duty bound to help yourself. Get up, dust yourself off, walk tall and strong forward from this point, and acknowledge your own humanity, warts and all. Set boundaries, get safe, change yourself. Good luck in your healing journey.
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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.
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