Mirroring

Someone on our Lists once wrote "..we never did love "them". It was the projection mirrored to us of our perfect partner that we loved..."

Excellent point!!! I had never heard of the concept of "mirroring" before joining BPD411. It is really tough to understand... almost like another dimension of reality. As I understand it, the person with BPD initially evokes such a intense, passionate response in us (appearing to be our "soul mate") because they are reflecting back OUR best qualities rather than presenting something which exists within themselves.

Here are some late night thoughts and concepts about mirroring and how to make it work for us rather than against us..

Most of you are familiar with the term sense of self? It is how we as human beings make sense of our ’self’.. how we think, perceive, believe, feel, make meaning of our experiences..

Most people with personality disorders do not have any real sense of ’self’.. or it is so underdeveloped that it shifts and changes all the time.. They get their validation from how others react ’to them’ rather than how they react/feel/perceive/see/etc..

It’s like they have this huge ’ black hole’ inside.. and it only gets filled one atom at a time.. eternally empty... no matter how much is put into it, it is always empty.. My bpd ex husband had an aversion to looking at his refection in mirrors... which made his shaving dangerous.. his solution? He grew a beard.. he once looked at his reflection in a mirror and asked me "What do you do when you look in the mirror and there’s no one there?"

They only feel ’real’ when they get feedback from others.. from ’outside’..

Most of us ’normals’ (if there is such a thing), by adolescence, have some idea of what we believe, what kind of person we are, have some sense of right and wrong.. we feel connected to other human beings to some degree.. The person with a personality disorder has never developed this concrete idea/concept..

They learn to survive by reflecting back to the important others in their lives what ever that person needs/wants.. mirroring.. they then receive feedback that they are valued, important, wanted, needed.. like a chameleon, taking on the characteristics and colors of the environment.. this would work very well, if life were static.. unmoving .. unchanging ..unfortunately for them, the only constant in the universe is change..

The primary problem with this is that the environment is ever changing, moving, it is a process in many ways rather than a static or stationary thing..

When we have a sense of being ’real’, of knowing what we think, believe in, will and won’t do, we can adapt to the changing process that we call life..

For the person with BP or any related disorder (let’s remember that most of our significant others have overlapping problems, disorders and illnesses) there is no ’anchor’ to hold onto. They shift constantly with each new wind or experience, person or event. They are one person in one context. with one set of people or experiences, then shift again when the person/situation changes. It is a strong and lasting pattern that is usually unconscious, subliminal, below the surface. What they think, feel, believe, value is ever shifting, with no foundation, no anchor that we define as ’reality’ and share with others around us. They will often attempt to make one person that ’anchor’.. and react badly when that person experiences change or growth. They escalate the stakes, with each new change in their partner, trying to make the price of change and growth one we can’t, won’t, or are unwilling to pay. It becomes easier for us to accept their version of the world, and of us, as being valid and real. We feel like we’ve woken up in a new and strange world, in effect we’ve gone to the Land of Oz, where the only ’sense’ is that which the bp in our lives defines for us.

During that first euphoric courting period, when so much sharing, at all levels, is coming into play, we may feel like this person is ’us’.. the other and better part of ourselves that we have searched for, for so long. We literally fall in love with the best (reflected and mirrored) parts of ourselves.. we are putting ’our best foot forward’.. being the best person we can be, or hope to be. We may feel that no one has ever understood or knows us quite as well as this person does.. that we will never be alone again..

But it is NOT real.. it is simply the disorder seeking to survive.. and adapt..

When the first cracks appear in that mirroring.. well.. we’ve all been down that road, right?

There are lots of books out there on mirroring.. it comes in several forms, convex.. concave... different degrees.. like the fun house mirrors on a midway..

Later, when the cracks fully appear.. we may get not only our worst characteristics mirrored back, but all the deep and once intimate secrets we revealed of ourselves.. used to hurt and wound and maybe even come close to destroying us..

Add in the abandonment/engulfment aspect of the disorder, add in splitting, projection, black and white thinking, and it’s a one way ticket to the Land of Oz.. where nothing makes sense.. all the rules shift and change without warning and it’s all in the control of the BP in our lives.

Add in some of the overly flexible characteristics that many Non’s share... over commitment to people or causes, our own less than effective boundaries, our need to be needed/wanted, our empathy, compassion, desire to save, desire to serve.. the Non takes a huge beating in emotional, spiritual, and far too often, physical parts of our being..

Learning how to accurately reflect back what is NOT our part of the dance can be the first step to healing.. or a new step in the dance..

Accurate mirroring involves giving feed back to the BP in our life without judging, condemning, blaming, allowing them to interfere with our perceptions of what happened.. it involves accurately describing what the BP did, said, and how you felt about it.. it is very difficult to do.. it involves simply describing what happened without over stating, or

exaggerating the incident.. (hard to do after a rage!)..and then setting a boundary.. and sticking to it!!!

Example " You (BP’s name here) walked into the room and started screaming and swearing at me. You told me x, y, z.. I felt frightened, and intimidated... I am setting a new boundary here. If you yell at me, I will leave the room. If you follow me, I will leave the house.. I will return at x, y, z... "

This needs to be said in as calm as voice as possible, without shouting, or swearing at them yourself. No kidding folks, this is hard to do and takes lots of practice. Since BP’s react poorly to change, it will also take a large number of repetitions.

Please remember that one failure does not mean complete failure. As my wise old Grandmother told me often "Mistakes are the place where learning begins and Wisdom grows." If it doesn’t work, keep at it.

Note of interest to parents? This works very well with teenagers, who by their developmental state often display traits of personality disorders, even when from healthy families.. and and also of most two year olds, which is about where many of those with the disorder got stuck in their growth.

Any other thoughts out there?

respectfully,

Deedee

If you or anyone else can shed more light on this phenomenon, I think it would make for an excellent discussion!!!

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.