Understanding Yourself as a NonBPD If you are in a chosen relationship with someone with BPD traits, you are called a NonBP, NonBPD or simply a Non. (See the Glossary for more community specific terms.) While this initially was simply Internet shorthand devised by those who type slowly, by giving something a name or a label, you start to pay attention to its characteristics. Over the last few years, common characteristics of NonBPs have been noted by the Nons themselves participating in several online discussion groups and face to face encounters.
Understanding your own personality, it’s strengths and weaknesses, is vital to creating a brighter future. You must understand where you are, decide where you want to be, and bring to bear the resources needed to make the changes required for a better future. This step in the Path to a Better Future is designed to help you understand better where you are.
Certain characteristics of NonBPs are as predictable as some characteristics of those with traits of BPD. Just as not all BPD characteristics apply to all people with BPD traits, not all traits of NonBPs will apply to you. Nevertheless, you may be surprised at how accurate the profile is.
In order to assess your "Nonness" we have put together a simple checklist of characteristics that often apply to Nons. Go through the Non Assessment and check whether you feel each of the characteristics applies to you. Note that many of the characteristics are actually good things, that are simply taken to an unhealthy extreme. These traits open you up to being taken advantage of by a partner with a personality disorder. Do not beat yourself up for matching too many of the characteristics. It simply means that you have room to grow, and that you have been in a difficult situation.
Nons as a group are usually giving and wonderful people with self esteem and boundary issues. Once the necessity of boundaries is pointed out, most NonBPs can adapt to a more resourceful way of being. Later, you can work on identifying fleas that have worked their way into your own personality.
As you work through the Non Assessment, think about each item that feels like it applies to you. Envision your future self with a more healthy approach to each of these items. What would you be like if you were less flexible, less understanding, less needy, less fearful of your BPSO? What if you were more self assured, able to allow your significant other to own their own problems? How would being different in these ways change your life. Would changing some of these attributes in appropriate ways help you towards a brighter future?
Write down your thoughts about how each of the characteristics that applies to you. Are any of these things that you really want to change? Which ones? With the Non Assessment as a guide, write out a plan for creating a you that is more resourceful. The eventual goal of this process is to create a vision of a future self that is compelling enough to promote the necessary changes in yourself to create a brighter future.