Mediation

Why to Avoid it if Possible - How to best do it if you Can’t When many people get divorced, they think of mediation as a cheaper way of finishing off the final details of dissolving the marriage. This is a very good way to resolve these difficult issues when you are talking about two fairly normal rational adults. It is still difficult, even for normal people. When one of the people in a divorce mediation has traits of BPD, it almost always ends in disaster, and with no resolution. Why is this so?

The primary reason things go badly in my mind is object constancy, joined with abandonment issues. Most Nons who have gotten to the point of getting a divorce have been maintaining fairly good boundaries and have taken a geogrpahical solution with their soon to be ex BPSO. This means that the communication between the Non and the BP has been limited, perhaps severely limited. The mediation gives the BP access to the object of their hate (you, the Non) and once that object is present, they can’t help themselves, they have to get back into everything with you. Even if it is not their intention to do so, the process of mediation itself generally gets you both back into that space. Your BPSO will probably still be dealing with the abandonment issues brought forth by the divorce itself.

I had four or five mediation sessions with my ex prior to going to court and having the judge "mediate". In all these sessions, I made significant offers of settlement to avoid going to court. If court were going to cost tens of thousands of dollars, I rationalized, then I might as well just give that money and maybe a bit more to her. It did not work. In the end, the judge gave her much less than any of my offers. But, by that time, I had spent money on the court costs, so we both lost. Court is always a lose-lose proposition, and people with BP traits seem to have a great affinity for lose-lose propositions.

If you have to Mediate

In some states, mediation prior to going to trial is a legal requirement. In this case, you may not be able to avoid mediation. You can, however, do some things to make it less traumatic. The key to this is negotiating with the mediator prior to attempting mediation. The mediator is likely to be a rational adult. Your primary goal is to avoid direct contact with your BPSO during the negotiation. They should not talk to you, or you to them. If possible, they shouldn’t see you, your car, or anything that would remind them of you. These things all bring out the object constancy issue, which will trigger your BPSO. Negotiate with the mediator as follows,

"This person (the BPSO) has been terribly abusive to me. I refuse to allow for him to further abuse me, and if we are in the same room, no matter what the circumstances, or your intentions or skills as a mediator, I will be further abused. I respectfully request therefore, that you do a shuttle mediation, where the two of us are in separate rooms and you go back and forth with the mediation. For this mediation to have any chance of success, my SO must not see me. You can’t have us together for an introductory period or anything. This is my boundary to protect myself. I will not allow you or anyone else to violate this boudary."

If the mediator doesn’t buy into this type of mediation, go find another mediator who will. You might agree to talk to your BPSO once an agreement is signed, and this may provide incentive for a signature to be obtained.

If you or your BPSO is seeing a therapist, alone or together, consider bringing the therapist to the mediation. If your BPSO is NEC, then having the therapist there as a witness will be helpful, even if it is only to make the therapist aware of the enormity of the actual situation. If your partner has the mask on with the therapist, then you stand the possibility of making actual progress. Some mediators insist that you do not bring lawyers and other counsellors to the mediation. But you can insist, particularly if it is to meet a legal requirement.

You do not have to agree to be abused by the mediation process under ANY circumstances. You can tell the mediator just that. Remember, boundaries aren’t just for your BPSO, but also for the mediator and everyone else in your life.

There isn’t much you can do about triggering the abandonment issues of your BPSO in the context of a mediation. But if your BPSO doesn’t see you, then they may not rage at the mediator, and you can all get through the process of not agreeing much sooner. If you expect to reach a settlement, you will almost certainly be disappointed by the mediation process.

One way to deal with the emotional trauma of a mediation is to look at it as a kind of espionage. The knowledge you gain of your STBX’s approach to things may help you to create better strategies for defending your interests at trial. Keep notes during the mediation of the proposals being made. While the contents of mediation itself are not usually admissible in court, knowing what the other party is fighting for and what they care about can be helpful in preparation for both direct and cross examination.

Gem of a quote from the list on this topic:

Trying to mediate with a BP must be something like trying to sculpt with Jell-O it looks great, it just doesn’t hold together.

For more general information on mediation, see the links at http://www.shpm.com/resources/ under "divorce mediation." You may also find good information at http://www.abuse-excuse.com.

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.