Lightning Strikes Twice

Developing Your BP Radar

A List Member wrote: "A friend of mine used to call me a ’freak magnet’ because I never seem to attract anyone normal. From what I have learned on this List, this is not really that uncommon. BP’s and others with similar emotional problems seem to have a kind of "radar" for detecting people who are especially giving and tolerant - a perfect match for them!"

This thread recurs from time to time in two veins, the one above about how we as Non’s, ’attract unhealthy people, and the one we’ve dubbed "Lightning Striking Twice, or The Odds of Having a Second BPD Relationship."

Upon reflection, these two concepts are intricately connected. Ideas, resources and strategies that would help us avoid a second or third

relationship with someone with someone with BPD, one would think, would also help us avoid these people in other relationships in our lives.

Personally, I don’t want to repeat an unhealthy paradigm. I want to learn from past patterns, make healthier choices and hopefully, make new mistakes. NOT repeat old ones. Mistakes, for me, are a place where learning happens, and are not ’failures’ in my personal world view.

One of the things that I believe separates us from the BPDs in our lives is that we are able to change our behaviors based on what effects they create, moving towards healthier functioning and away from dysfunctional patterns and behaviors. Those with the disorder constantly adapt their patterns (and often escalate their behavior) to maintain the same effect, thereby testing/breaking our boundaries, while creating great chaos for loved ones.

Healing and health take a lot of work, commitment and patience; many of us Non’s don’t always place a priority on our own mental wellness, our own emotional needs or physical safety. If I have learned anything from the Hell of my bpd related experiences, it is that if I didn’t put a high enough priority on my wellness, and if I don’t, few others will. My first responsibility must be to maintain my safety, health and emotional wellness. Then I can offer what I have that may be of help to others. If I’m an empty well, I have nothing left to give.

Please keep moving forward in your own paradigm, set appropriate boundaries with the BPD in your life. The techniques in the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" have worked for me and many others. I think they may be useful for you as well and I encourage you to read the book.

The following is our Lightning strikes twice post. If we asked these same questions about other people in our lives, maybe it would help us avoid bpd there as well? What do y’all think?

The odds of lightning striking twice?. I.e.: meeting someone else with BPD?.. in my opinion, very high! I was a counselor/therapist for fifteen years ; the number of times I saw people repeat the same pattern in relationships over and over was very high.

That’s why I think it is so important to do our own healing as Non’s; many times we don’t take our own mental wellness seriously enough, or place a high priority on it.

One of the ways I decided to ’ take back my life’ Post-BPD was to look at the patterns and problems that have occurred over time in my life. I wanted to work on new strategies, to learn from the past rather than repeat it. I am proud to say that all the recent mistakes I am making are entirely new ones. :-0)

I also spent a lot of time in therapy with a therapist who was familiar with BPD, working on a strategy to avoid making the same mistakes again. It was time very well spent; some of the questions my therapist and I decided would be good ones to ask a prospective new partner: (Note: we also decided that asking them all at once was likely to be counter-productive!)

Any one else out there want to add to my list? (feel free to contact us via our Comments form.) I’m inviting both serious and humorous responses???

1. How do they get along with their ex’s? (what they do there is what they will do to you if you become one).
2. What do they do with their ’dark side’; If they deny that they have one, RED FLAG. Same idea, what do they do with their anger? My ex BPDH never once got angry in the almost three years I knew him prior to getting into a relationship with him. Once we were ’a couple’. Nuclear explosion!
3. What kind of friendships do they have? Of what duration? What do they do with their friends? Mine had "best friends" that he hadn’t seen in five years.
4. Thinking patterns about values and beliefs. Are they able to distinguish shades of ’gray’ in values and beliefs. And is this the same for them vs. other people. My ex had one standard for the rest of the world and another for himself.
5. Perfectionism/high ideals; how does they deal with disappointment? rejection? Does their talking match their walking? (do they do as they say or?) Do they have one set of rules for themselves and an other for everyone else? Do they believe they are ’above the law’? don’t have to obey laws like speed limits, time on library books, etc?
6. Are they able to take responsibility for their own actions or is it ’always someone’s else’s fault’? Mature, mostly healthy people, will accept responsibility for the choices, both good and bad, that they have made in their lives.
7. How do they get along with family members? Are they always in a state of chaos? (RED FLAG).
8. What do they *enjoy*? Could be their work, could be hobbies or voluntary associations. The more they enjoy, the greater the chances that this is a basically happy person, enjoying life, and more likely to enjoy you.
9. How do you feel about you when you are with them? Is there room in the relationship for each of you to have your own interests and hobbies? Shared interests and values are needed yes, but so is private time and private interests. Do you enjoy spending time with them? or are they always correcting you, telling you that they know better what is right for you than you do?
10. How balanced are their lives? My ex’s children called him ’Captain Chaos’. A fact I didn’t find out till after the wedding. Do they have time in their lives for a relationship? Do they allow you to spend time at your hobbies? Or are they always wanting to know every little detail of what you have done, are planning to do? Do they insist that you violate confidences and have absolutely no privacy?

I (Deedee) am working at watching for the larger patterns in the other’s life and in my own. Someone wise once told me: The past is history, and Tomorrow is part of the Great Mystery. All we truly have is today, a Gift. That’s why we call it The Present!

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.