Leaving Oz

I know that some of us are making hard choices about leaving Oz.. and I thought I’d put a few of my thoughts and memories together and invite any of you who’ve been down that road to share..

Making the decision to leave was the most painful decision I’d ever made in my life, and some of you know how many hard choices I’ve had to make. It took almost dying myself, and wanting to, to give me the jump-start I needed.

I worked with my therapist for several weeks to come up with a plan that would be safe and that would cause the least stress possible for my children. I cried buckets and lakes of tears. When it came down to the actual moment, like many things in Oz, my now ex BPH took the choice right out of my hands, behaving in such a dangerous fashion that I had to threaten to involve the police to get him out of the house. All my plans went up in smoke. But I should have been prepared for that too, ’cuz that’s how the disorder often protects itself.. as long as he could make me the "bad guy", he could continue to rationalize his behavior.

The first day or so after he moved out, all I felt was relief. I could do what needed to be done without threats of violence, verbal or physical abuse, no more "walking on eggshells," no more roller coasters of feelings. It was almost euphoric. I could clean the horse stalls without him telling me how wrong I was in how I did it. I could cook supper or not. No guilt trips or refusing to come to the table till the food was cold. No more meals in utter silence, afraid to say or do anything. No more second guessing every word that came out of my mouth to try and "get it right." (Rule Number 1 of BPD-Land: the NON is always wrong.. Rule #2: IF in fact the Non is NOT wrong, refer to rule number 1!!!)

Then came a few weeks of numbness… not many feelings at all. Except for the middle of the night crying jags. Or waking in a cold sweat from a nightmare of him standing over my bed with a gun pointed at my head.

I kept hoping against hope that we could work on the marriage... that he’d seek out professional help... that we could rebuild... or at least end up on amicable terms.

When the numbness started to wear off, crying, crying, and crying. Sad songs on the radio, a smell, changing the music I listened to driving to work, sad country songs were just too much. I’d been down this road (being divorced). I didn’t want to do it again. Aside from the BPD crazies, I’d really LIKED being married.

Sorting out his clothes and sending them off to him... sending other belongings... finding out he’d been having affairs with clients for most of our marriage (from the client’s husbands!)... finding out he’d stripped our bank account of over $12,000... leaving me with a mass of debt and no resources except my much too small paycheck.

Not answering friend’s questions... saying we’d separated for awhile... not that my marriage was over.

Meeting with several lawyers... none of whom understood BPD... a failed mediation attempt that was one more round of the BPD husband beating up the Non... the merry-go-round of waiting and hoping... finally filing the divorce papers... after I found the lawyer who’d represented his first wife when they divorced and who also understood BPD.

Note: BPH filed divorce papers one hour ahead of me... along with a request to freeze my bank accounts, a legal attempt to force me to move out of our home, an attempt to take the company that I’d founded 10 years earlier (pre-BPD) away from me (claiming it was and had always been HIS company). Once he found out I’d agreed to the divorce, he went back to the Judge and said he was withdrawing his petition because he thought we could reconcile and work it out!

Every time he came to the house to see the children, the pain, the coldness in his eyes and his voice, the verbal abuse that continued no matter what I said or did... having to get two restraining orders.

Declaring my life a "BPD free zone"… no more phone calls, no more visits at the house… no e-mails… no more contact at all. It was poison to my life and to my soul.

The waves of grieving… grieving the loss of the marriage, the loss of the dreams I thought we’d shared… of growing old together… of building a home… family, children and grandchildren. Having days of being/feeling "normal," then being hit with a sneak attack of grief and tears… letting go… and finding new dreams.

Beginning to have days when I looked forward to getting up in the morning… wow! Getting re-involved in activities that I’d always loved, but had given up ‘cuz "he" hadn’t enjoyed, didn’t approve or made so crazy a price for me to continue. Finding the "me" that I’d somehow lost in the BPD crazies… lost in Oz… and rediscovering that I liked ME!

Picking up friendships… finding out how much had been sabotaged by his behavior or outright lies. Mending relationships that had been in my life for a decade or more, but had somehow been a casualty of the marriage.

Working hard with my therapist to figure out my part in the dance that the disorder is/was. Finding new strategies for the future to avoid that trap again.

Realizing that my life post BPD was SO MUCH better than being in Oz. Realizing that I’m not responsible for his choices… for his actions. That it was NOT my fault… it is the disorder. And feeling so VERY Blessed. I can walk away… I can rebuild… I can have a life that’s BPD free. He’s got a life time sentence. He’ll never have any more than he has right now… which is sad.

Coming to a place where I don’t hate him for what he did. I’m thankful for the learning… for the lessons. I’d not be the Me I am had I not spent so much time in Oz. Not thankful enough to return to Oz mind you… let’s be very clear… but thankful that I’ve learned, grown, survived… and moved on.

As we begin this new year, we have much to be thankful for... many, many Blessings. Each of you on this list is a Blessing in someone’s life… and many of you are Blessings in mine!

respectfully

Deedee

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.