Kids

Do They Drive you Crazy?

It is NORMAL to lose patience with our children. It is normal to think that we must treat them fairly and the ‘same’ at all times. But guess what? That’s a lie. We do them a disservice when we try to be super mom or super dad. We take away the opportunity for them to see the full range of our humanity, and our unique ways of coping with stress and problems.

Children learn what they see. Part of the difficulty that those with the disorder experience are the inability to experience the continuum of emotions, thoughts and feelings that those without the disorder experience as part of their daily living. Being stuck in the splitting and black and white thinking, not being able to experience several feelings at once, are terribly limiting for our partners with BPD. Our children NEED to see the FULL range of our humanity, perhaps a great deal more than those living in homes without the disorder.

Our best teachers are often not the words we use but the actions that we choose. Being able to forgive ourselves, accept responsibility for our actions and choices are gifts our children need to understand and be exposed to. They will have enough difficulty dealing with the BPD crazies that are how the disorder impacts on them. These gifts become crucial parts of how they cope with that, along with the rest of life’s lessons. Here are some concrete suggestions:

Preventative:

Take some time everyday to do something nice for yourself. Read a book, take a walk, etc. alone.
Give your children lots of hugs. Tell them you love them, that they are great children, etc. This may be difficult for those who have never done this. Children need to hear that they are loved. They need to know that the problems in the family caused by the disorder, ARE NOT THEIR FAULT. Children often assume that anything they do or say causes the problems in their lives. While this may be true to some extent, in relationships with their peers, it is NOT true in relationship to the parent with the disorder.
Make a list of all the things you love most about your children.Add to it at least once per week. You might want to post it somewhere in the house.
Begin to write in a journal. It is easy to make one entry per week about your thoughts, feelings, events. Increase it to twice per week, or three times per week. Sometimes it is easier to simply make a list of the best things and worst things of each week, then work up to other things.
Develop a support system with a friend, relative or neighbour. Swap children, baby-sitting, etc. (This is not to be used for events like drinking) It is usually easier to deal with other people’s children.
Read something funny at least once a week. Irma Bomback is good for women, comic books for men. Myself, I like Calvin comics.. just to be different.. :-0)
Read the funnies to your children, or have them read them to you if they are able.
Establish regular routines with your children around bedtime. Regular bedtimes make it easier for you to find space for yourself and your partner where there is some quiet time.
Try reading or telling a short story to your children at bedtime. You might wish to try having a family counsel once per week, or during times of stress. This allows everyone to have time to talk about thoughts and feelings in a orderly and quiet way. You may wish to have an initial counsel with another family member or friend to introduce the idea. Use this as a time to explain that both of you are going to be doing things differently from now on and that they should ask you if they are confused by new behaviours and expectations.
"Catch them being GOOD!". It’ s often easier to catch our children and comment on it when they’re doing something we don’t like. It helps to build a child’s self esteem if you comment when they’re doing what you want them to, and much less negative!

Emergency/crisis:

If you are really upset, repeat a silly verse or nursery rhyme at least twice before you say or act.
Take a short time out. Go to the bathroom, go outside, etc.
Develop a pre-arranged signal with your partner, a relative or friend, if you are at the end of your resources so that he/she will take over the situation, while you leave the room. Also set up a signal that you may give your partner if you tell he/she needs a time out. Agree to respect each others wishes around this issue. (This can work with bpd parents too!)
If you lose it, apologize to your children. Explain that you are really working at changing how you deal with this, and give them a hug. Tell them you love them.
Utilize community resources. If you want parenting courses, etc. let your band council know that this would be helpful and attend them if offered.
Ask for help! Call a friend, the crisis shelter, a family member.

The proceeding is taken from a parenting workshop that I have taught and run for the last 12 years. I offer it in the hopes that is will give you some ideas and thoughts about how to deal with your role as mom or dad a bit more effectively.

This is always a work in progress, so I’d appreciate any other ideas and suggestions that might be useful to other parents. Just send them to us using our Comments form.

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.