The community of Nons has developed a vocabulary that the newer members might not understand. As with any topic that is specific, the language of talking about borderline personality disorder has evolved it’s own terms and definitions. To facilitate more clear communications, we offer the following as general definitions of what the words mean here in BPD411. One does not have to ’buy in’ to the definitions as they are presented here to participate in the discussion. This page is here to give a basic understanding of the terms we use and get us on the same page.
Here are some definitions of the terms found on this website and on our mailing list:
Non - A NonBP, a person who does not have borderline personality disorder, but has a relationship with someone who does and is therefore impacted by the disorder and it’s traits. This may include: a child, sibling, parent, partner or spouse of a BP.
BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder.
BP - A person who shows traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. Does not have to be officially diagnosed.
BPD- Someone who meets the criteria as stated in the DSM-4 for Borderline Personality Disorder.
NPD- narcissistic personality disorder or someone with NPD.
PPD- paranoid personality disorder or someone with PPD.
MPD/DID- Multiple personality disorder now known as dissociate identity disorder.
BPSO - Borderline Personality Significant Other- Live-in partner, wife, husband, brother, sister, or other person significant in the Non’s life.
BPGF- Borderline personality girl friend
BPBF- Borderline personality boy friend
KidsOfBP- or KoBPD or KoBP- adult child of a bpd or other pd parent
Nada - a name for a mother who may have had BPD, who was ’nothing, nada, zilch’ as a parent. Many adult children of BP mothers feel that nada our BP mothers and the fact that they were NOT mothers to us. They played a role, for a time if the child were "lucky" and then they quit. Many feel that they never had real mothers, just a woman playing a part when it was time to "put on the show." Hence, the term nada.
Fada - a name for a father who may have had BPD or may have been married to a BP, but was ineffective in protecting his children from the effects of the disorder.
Dishrag Dad: the father, who, while married to a BP did little or nothing to protect the children.
Hoover - When a BP acts loving, kind, swears he/she will get help, change, etc. The Non believes it and re-enters the relationship: IE: Getting ’sucked back’ into a relationship that you once decided to leave. The Non may have a feeling that ’ they’re under the power’ of the BP.. that they have little choice in going back to the relationship.
Close Encounters of the Hoovering Kind - when the Non becomes aware that a Hoover is in process.
Close Encounters of the Borderline Kind - a close in personal encounter with a borderline acting out against someone else in the non’s presence without drawing the observer into the conflict. It could be a non-bp parent observing another bp-parent acting out toward their child or in a situation where you just personally observe this behavior.
Oz - Refers to how the NonBP feels out of touch with the Real World, (the one that most of us live in when not in close proximity to a BP).. Oz is a place where the BP’s rules are the only one’s accepted, including the BP’s version of who the Non is, why .
Kansas- (AKA-or the Real World)- the world as experienced by those of us not affected by a BP in our life, or those Non’s who’ve recently discovered how the disorder affects them and are working at taking back their own lives.
Going to Oz- loosing touch with YOUR sense of reality and taking on that of the BP in your life, particularly their perceptions of why you do what you do, why you think what you think, rather than trusting your own instincts and thoughts and feelings. Also described as: feeling that you’ve woken up in the Land of Oz, and don’t know how to get home to Kansas-the real world.
STBXBPW - Soon to be X BP Wife (also STBXBPH - husband)
SWOE - Stop Walking on Eggshells, a book by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger written primarily for Nons.
Light Bulb Effect- the feeling many NonBPs have once they discover the terms and traits of Borderline Personality Disorder where it all ’ suddenly makes sense’.
BPD-Crazies- the chaos that many of us live in when influenced by someone with BPD.
Walking on Eggshells-how the NonBP feels when they’re caught in the cycle of the bpd craziness.
BPD-Land- another name for ’the Land of Oz’.
BPD-Free Zone- when the Non sets and maintains appropriate boundaries that involve little or no contact with the BP in their lives.
Projection: the tendency of someone with bp to project their thoughts, feelings, fears, actions onto the people they are closest to. ie: the Non.. that is most easily understood as: what they say ABOUT you, is what THEY are thinking, feeling or afraid of or actually doing. For example, if they (the BP) accuse you (the Non) of having an affair, it might be that they are thinking about it, or already having one.
Projective Identification: when the Non begins to accept the projected ideas of the bp as reality. For example: the bp tells you are so controlling.. the Non believes they are controlling and tries, often desperately to prove they are not.
Flea: A personality trait that has transferred from the person with BP traits to the Non. For example, a Non can pick up the trait of projection. (See fleas for more)
Abandonment: the tendency of BP’s to fear or have feelings that you (the Non) are going to leave them.
Engulfment- the tendency of the BP to feel that they are ’losing themselves’ in the relationship, or that they are overwhelmed.
Blaming- close to the projection theme. The BP’s chronic inability to take responsibility for his/her own actions and the consequences of their actions. Often it comes out in the relationship with statements that "all the problems in the relationship are the fault of the Non. If you (the Non) would just ’get it right’ we’d be fine."
Controlling- What the BP does to the Non. Control every facet of the relationship making life very difficult. This can start off with an intense’ curiosity’ about what the Non is or isn’t doing, progress to demands for details of what was said by whom and when, to listening in on telephone conversations or opening mail or reading email, gross violations of privacy and personal boundaries.
BP Distortions- Most BP’s have feelings that are not very closely related to their actual, reality based life experiences. To rationalize their behavior (which is usually unacceptable to most people) they rearrange their memories to create facts, and believe that their version of what happened is real. They literally rewrite history to fit their feelings rather than have feelings that relate to life experiences. This can border on delusional thinking.
BP Distortion Campaign - when a BP deliberately tries to convince family, friends, community members or business associates that the Non is the one who is sick, was abusive, lied, was violent, etc. May involve false accusations of domestic or child abuse. May involve ’ setting up’ the Non to be charged with almost any crime.
Delusion: an idea, thought or set of ideas that is not based in any real experience and that is NOT affected or changed with new information.
Mirroring- The almost uncanny ability of many BP’s to mimic or ’mirror’ back the parts of a Non that the Non most values about themselves. See Mirroring
Denial- a protective mechanism engaged by the mind of someone going through great trauma. In this state the person is unable to accurately perceive events, identify abuse, or make resourceful choices. Most often is displayed by the Non making excuses for the BP’s behavior, minimizing the danger they are in, or denying that an harmful or dangerous event occurred.
Disassociation- Similar to daydreaming, but to the extreme: becoming so separated and distanced from one’s thoughts and feelings that one is unaware that one has been injured or violated.
Splitting - The idea that a person the BP sees is "all good" or "all bad".
Back and White Thinking- the tendency of the BP to see things in ’all or nothing’ terms. Putting the Non on a pedestal of they can do no wrong. When the Non disappoints the BP or sets a new boundary, they are ’split bad’, ie: become the devil incarnate, and can do nothing write. This Cycle can be a long as several months or as short as a few minutes.
IMO- in my opinion
IMHO- in my humble opinion
IMNSHO - in my not so humble opinion
NEC - Not Even Close... the BP who has so snowed the therapist that the therapist says, "He isn’t even close to being BP."
For other terms, check here, as they may simply be common Internet terms.
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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.
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