The only REAL response Nearly all people with BPD traits rage. Both low and high functioning BPs rage. A rage can be frightening. It is meant to be frightening.
If your BPSO is physically violent, you need a permanent geographical solution. If you are in physical danger, make a safety plan and get out as soon as you can.
Many BPs rage without physical violence. If your BPSO is verbally abusive, but not physically abusive, a temporary geographical solution is an acceptable boundary.
In plain terms, if your BP rages, take a walk.
Get out of the house.
Let him calm down for a while.
The hard part is that when you leave, this will undoubtedly trigger the abandonment issues that nearly every BP has. Generally, this will initially cause an escalation of the situation. Don’t make a big scene about leaving. Just be very calm and quiet and leave quickly. You can’t justify your behavior in leaving to a BP. You can’t make things calmer by talking. You can help the situation by leaving, so just leave as quickly and calmly as possible.
Your BPSO will likely say something like, "If you leave, don’t ever come back, because we are going to get a divorce." Or, "I’m going to kill myself if you leave." This is a normal reaction for a BP. Try not to be frightened by it. Most BPs will not actually end a relationship or kill themselves over your getting out when you feel threatened. Many will actually apologize later for raging as part of the hoover.
If you are dealing with a very low functioning BP, leaving may trigger a suicide attempt, so you may not want to leave for a very long time the first time you attempt a geographic solution.
If you have children, adapt your geographical solution accordingly. Plan ahead. Upon threat of abandonment, many BPs will grab children in the hopes that this will prevent you from leaving and sometimes they threaten the children. This is not healthy for children, so you may have to adjust your geographical solution. Make a plan ahead of time with the kids. One answer may be to lock yourself in a room with the children. It would help if the kids knew they were to go to a specific room when a fight started. That way, your BPSO can’t grab them and create this all too common scene. If this doesn’t lead to a broken door, it’s a decent solution. If it does lead to a broken door, this can later be used (when the BP is calm again) to discuss why your significant other really needs to seek help. A door is a small price to pay if your BPSO gets help.
Discuss this ahead of time with everyone in the household. Discuss it with your BPSO. Discuss it with your kids. Make a plan. Have a drill with the kids ahead of time when your BPSO isn’t around. If your BPSO knows that this is simply a boundary that you are going to maintain and enforce, and that you will be back when they are ready to act decently, the abandonment anxiety may be slightly reduced for them.
Make sure that you have proper clothing, such as a coat and shoes somewhere outside of the house in case you use a geographic solution at night. Make an arrangement with a neighbor or local 24-hour business so that you can have a place to wait in safety if the weather is inclement where you live.
If your BPSO follows you out of the house, try to get to a place with other people as quickly as possible. Many high functioning BPs will stop their behavior as soon as they believe someone else might witness their behavior. Use this common trait to protect yourself.
The really critical piece of information in all of this is to understand that you have the right to feel safe and to be safe. You have the right to leave when you don’t feel safe. You have the duty to yourself to not cave into the "emotional blackmail" or "terrorism" of the BPs outrageous threats. Remember your BPSO is deathly afraid of you leaving, and they will take "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." Be kind and make the departure quick. Don’t be talked into staying in an abusive situation.
Once you take control of the situation, and show a consistant pattern of leaving when the raging begins, you may notice a reduction in raging behavior over time. If not, at least you are avoiding being further abused.
Empower yourself.
Make a plan for a geographical solution.
-Kelly
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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.
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