BP Fleas

Taking on the traits

Someone on our Lists wrote in part:

"I think the thing that gets me most sometimes is that he complains of depression, and anxiety attacks and seems a bit paranoid....but, I’m starting to get the same symptoms..."

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You don’t live around crazy people without being affected. Oftentimes that includes becoming like them. What we call "BPD fleas"....as in "lie down with dogs, get up with fleas".

When you are in a meaningful relationship with someone, anyone, you pick up some of their peculiarities. You might start to use phrases that they use, or pick up some facial expression, an accent or hand gesture. Worst of all, you might start telling their jokes! Because people learn by imitating others, especially as children, this is a very normal behavior. In fact, in healthy relationships, this sharing of each other’s personality is a sign of good rapport of the ability to truly connect with someone at many levels.

When you live with someone who has a mental illness, or in this case, traits of borderline personality disorder, you may pick up some of their borderline traits, ideas, thoughts and behaviors. For example, if you are raged at, it is not uncommon to pick up a raging behavior in response. It’s human nature. Not to mention that many of those with the disorder would drive a saint to rages! Since most of us do not qualify for sainthood, guess what? We begin to act the same way that the BPSO in our lives does. This does not mean we are ’bad’ or ’wrong’, simply that we’ve been pushed past the point of human endurance.

It is not uncommon for Nons to have their own abandonment and co-dependency issues. You may have black and white thinking at times. You may be moody or depressed. You might create no-win situations. In fact, you could pick up any of the behaviors associated with BPD.

When a NonBP picks up behaviors that are consistent with the traits of BPD this does NOT usually mean that the Non also has BPD. (It’s rather unusual, in our experience, for two BPs to be together, as opposites generally attract.) We call the BP traits that Nons exhibit "fleas". The term comes from the idea that if you associate with dogs, you pick up their fleas. (This visualization is admittedly not particularly flattering to those suffering from BPD.)

If you notice yourself acting in ways that are consistent with the traits of BPD, you may have learned these behaviors from your BPSO. If your BPSO is your parent, unlearning these behaviors can be especially challenging. After all, about 15% of children of borderlines are themselves borderline. Even for those who have worked hard on their healing, when they become unduly stressed, they may revert to those very early learned behaviour.

Nevertheless, it is important to realize that YOU the Non and not the BP, and that therefore, you are capable of change. You don’t need these behaviors in your life, they only cause you pain and suffering. It’s more important to become aware of the patterns in your life as soon as possible, pick up the pieces and move forward.

As you become aware of the patterns of borderline personality disorder, you can start to look for these behaviors in your own life. When you see the pattern in yourself, you may think of a big flea on your shoulder. It might be helpful to physically flick the imaginary flea off your shoulder, and imagine it flying off into the distance. For example, if you feel triggered by an event that leaves you feeling abandoned, and you realize intellectually that you shouldn’t really feel that way, just flick the flea! By ’flicking the flea’, you can acknowledge the emotion/feeling in a physical way and at the same time ask it to please leave.

A second strategy: You are invited to remember a time in your life when you felt loved, accepted and imagine stepping back in time and feeling all those feelings again. You can imagine bringing them forward to the place in time that you now occupy. These past feelings are now yours to enjoy in the present.

Most Nons have some fleas. If you find it difficult to overcome these patterns in your own life, seeking the help of a professional therapist can be very helpful. It’s highly recommended in any case, since most of us Nons have issues of self esteem to deal with at the very least.

Have fun flicking your fleas!

-Kelly

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.