Feelings

Getting in Touch With Yourself One of the things that Nons often experience in relationships with borderlines is numbness of emotion. We are taught by borderline behavior to react in certain ways, this is part of walking on eggshells. One of the things we often ’learn’ in the situation of being in a relationship with someone with borderline traits is that expressing our feelings, our emotions, is hazardous to maintaining a non-confrontational status with our significant other. We learn to suppress these feelings and over a period of years, we may get to the point of not being able to fully feel our own feelings ourselves. In the path to recovery, we need to give ourselves permission to once again fully feel the spectrum of emotion that is our right as human beings.

This doesn’t mean that we have the right to react in a violent fashion when we feel anger. It does mean that we shouldn’t continue the thought pattern I call the "It’s OK" pattern. Have you ever been in a situation where you aren’t really getting what you want, but you say "It’s OK" anyway?

Perhaps you are at a wedding dinner, and you are brought out a well done steak instead of the medium rare steak you ordered. Due to time constraints, and not wanting to make a scene for the bride and groom, you say, "It’s OK", but it really isn’t. We all do this. Sometimes it’s appropriate. Putting others needs in front of our own wants is necessary for a civil society. However, if we make a habit of saying "It’s OK" with our significant others, when it really isn’t OK, then we set ourselves up for a situation where we bury our own thoughts so deeply that we can’t even access them ourselves.

Being emotionally honest with yourself is just as important as being intellectually honest with yourself.

For a Non this can be exceptionally difficult. The need to be always normal is overpowering to a Non at times.

One of the most fun ways to break through the log jam of backed up emotions is scream therapy. You don’t necessarily need to go find a scream therapy practitioner. Just go to a wild place, throw rocks at trees, scream at the mountains, shake your fist at the sky. Just let completely go! These emotional outlets are great at freeing you to feel your own emotions. Allow yourself to FULLY experience the emotions of anger, rage, etc. that accompany this activity.

Later, you can get in touch with your emotions by talking to the mirror. Give yourself the benefit of the advise and wisdom that you have within you. Let yourself FULLY experience the emotions of self love, appreciation, etc. that accompany this activity.

Practice feeling emotions. Rent a funny movie, and laugh your head off. Get giggly.

Experience your emotions again! Don’t suppress your feelings to yourself. Sure, we all have to keep our emotions in check in certain settings. In most churches, it’s not appropriate to stand up and yell in the middle of the service! It’s not appropriate to say exactly what you think in all business meetings. But you have to be honest about your feelings with yourself. As one in a relationship with a borderline, you may find to your surprise that you haven’t been emotionally honest with yourself for a very long time.

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.