A member or our mailing list asked: "Also, my father (who is very flea-ridden - and my parents are divorced...) also told me recently that I have an ’infinite obligation’ to my mother."
I am having a tough time grappling with this issue. What kind of ’obligation’ are we under towards our parents?
Deedee responds:
Okay, here I am getting up on my soapbox, one more time.. anyone not interested in this should hit the delete key now.
As adult children we owe our parents respect for the fact that they brought us into this world. For what ever else they may or may not have done, they did this part.
This does NOT, IN ANY WAY mean we have to allow ourselves to be used, manipulated, violated, guilted into doing things that are unhealthy for us or our families, or allow ourselves to be abused physically, emotionally or sexually. Nor should it mean we allow ANYONE, not even a parent, to treat us in a disrespectful, mean, unkind, mean spirited or ignorant manner.
If that parent isn’t in a healthy space, or suffers from a mental illness, our first priority is to STAY SAFE. This means setting healthy boundaries, respecting OURSELVES FIRST, and keeping any minor children we may have SAFE from the trauma of the mental illness.
I feel like I have walked into a bit of a FOG, but I was wondering what others here thought about familial obligation.
I once knew someone who had a very dysfunctional parent. She was a very abusive alcoholic who used FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to manipulate and control her daughter’s life. Over the years she had an affair with her daughter’s first husband, while the daughter was in the hospital giving birth to her first child (her first grandchild.) Her excuse? They were both drunk.
Three years later, this same lady ran away and joined the circus, taking with her the daughter’s next door neighbor’s husband. The neighbor had a three week old baby at the time. Her daughter had gotten her mother a job, (where the daughter worked) and she’d been sober for some months as she wasn’t allowed to drink in her daughter’s home.
The mother had been attending counseling, had behaved in a more or less responsible manner for that time as well. The daughter dropped her guard and, then Mom ran away with the circus.
Two years later, with NO contact in between, she calls the daughter, distraught because the man had now gone home to his wife, taking all their money and possessions with her. She demanded that the daughter bail her out by sending her money to ’come home’. Having learned a few things over time, the daughter bought her a one way, non refundable ticket to a town she had once lived and sent her there. The mother never even said thank you.
Years later, after the daughter’s second divorce (also from someone with BPD, she admits she is a slow learner) the mother moved in with the daughter’s now ex-husband, and lived with him for almost a year. When she did leave, she took all his money, a fact which the daughter admits to enjoying far too much.
Somewhere along the path, the daughter realized that the daughter was parenting her mother, not the other way around. The mother was only 16 when she took the daughter in (the child was apparently left on her doorstep). Emotionally drained after years of this, and going into therapy, the daughter learned to set boundaries with her. All of a sudden, the daughter became the worst person, the worst daughter and the mother cut the daughter out of her life, along with her grandchildren as she continued on a downhill slide into alcoholism.
The daughter finally realized that bailing her out of disaster after disaster took away from her life, her emotional resources, and what she needed to be doing for her children.
Eventually, the daughter learned self-care, set appropriate boundaries and went on to become a much healthier person. After many more misadventures, she finally arrived at a place where she associated with other healthy people in a mutually productive way, and lived more or less happily ever after.
If ANY relationship becomes destructive to our lives, causes us more pain and suffering than joy and peace, if picking up the phone when we know THAT person is on the other end makes us cringe, if even the thought of interactions with THAT person causes us intense negative feelings, NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE in our lives, it’s time to take action.
We owe it to ourselves. We owe it to our mental well being. We owe it to our souls and spirits. Respect and kindness belong FIRST in our relationship WITH OURSELVES before we can offer that in a relationship with others, even if they are our parents.
As Non’s, we go the extra mile, (and when the other person has BPD, an extra light year or six). It’s part of what makes us Non’s. And it’s the hardest place to begin to be healthy and stay that way.
SO I would encourage you to ask these questions:
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