I Hate You - Don’t Leave Me! These two issues seem to be inherently tied together for most BPs. Why? It might be indicative of their black and white thinking patterns and related to the "splitting" they do with people. They either love you or hate you – you are either all good or all bad – therefore, you are either being engulfed with their love or punished for abandoning them – or them thinking that you are about to abandon them.
The best way for me to describe it is that they need to feel totally a part of their current object of attention. This, of course, does not always mean their spouse or Significant Other (SO) – it could, as with our situation, mean a boss or "mentor" figure to them. Currently, my ex-SO is engulfing his new boss (a crippled, effeminate man who clearly is enjoying the attention.)
In some ways, my ex-SO began his engulfment of me about 4 months prior to the day his train arrived here. He called, e-mailed, wrote letters, all professing his undying love for me and his desire to finally be by my side. Of course, I was awash with all of the attention so didn’t quickly see that this "adoration" was not quite normal. I even ignored the now apparent red flags in some of his correspondence in which he called me his "savior", his "angel", his "soul mate", the "only one who could ever truly understand him".
Our first couple of weeks together were a little awkward, but wonderful. We had not seen one another for about 2-1/2 years prior. I had missed him terribly, but he had imposed a "no contact" rule on us back where we had both come from and I honored it, although I prayed daily for us to be able to start a relationship out here. We had first begun seeing each other in our "home" state, even though, at the time, I was married. His "no contact" rule was enacted due to my marital situation. Now, here I was, in a state 1600 miles away, alone, and in the process of ending my marriage.
We spent countless hours just catching up, talking about old times, and reaffirming our love for one another. He had no job yet, so he was at my house taking care of minor house repairs, the dogs, and preparing to start job hunting while I was at work. He called me at the office at least 4 or 5 times a day. It was sweet, but my staff started to get irritated by the constant calls. They were not short calls either – they were calls from someone terribly alone and feeling abandoned.
I have a demanding job as CEO of a non-profit trade association. My job entails travel out of state about 4 times a year to attend trade shows and conventions. In between, I travel to in-state meetings and conventions. Prior to Taz’s arrival, I had been recruited into the local Leadership Program so about 2-3 weeks before I entered the program, he arrived. All of these issues would prove to be major areas of conflict between us eventually. He could not stand my leaving for days at a time and would go into a severe depressive state. It was not pretty.
If I couldn’t talk (was in a meeting) or was distracted (in the middle of a project) he would get very upset. He would often hang up on me, sulk quietly on the other end of the phone, or just blow up in anger. I, of course, would begin to feel guilty and apologize. Eventually, the calls began to level off a little. Then, one day I got home from work to find he had totally re-arranged my entire house. I mean, the sofa was up on end in the middle of the room, the bed was moved, and the computer room was in complete disarray. I went nuts! He, of course, had no idea why I should be upset at this complete invasion of my home. We sat down after a while and worked on him seeing why I didn’t appreciate what he had done and then began putting the house back together. We spent hours more just talking and talking – about seemingly unimportant things that he needed to discuss. Bottom line – he needed more of my attention.
The boundary issues were slowly becoming a much bigger issue. I arrived home on another occasion to find that he had gone through all of my old journals and a box of "stuff" and he had burned every picture of old boyfriends that he had found. These journals and the box were not sitting out anywhere within easy reach. They were tucked away, in my bedroom closet on the highest shelf there was. It was clear that he had been systematically going through my entire house looking for what eventually became ammunition to use against me later on. Again, I was extremely upset with him and the fact he had destroyed my things. He began to rage about me hiding things from him and not telling him totally about my past relationships and a whole litany of other "things" he felt threatened by. It became clear to me later on, during my therapy sessions that he was already feeling abandoned by me.
There were lots of other instances, like a camping trip with friends where he flipped out because I had gone down to the gate (6 miles away) with one of my friends to let him out so he could go make a long distance phone call. The trailer/property were at a lake up north where you had to have a key to get in and I had the only key. When we got back to the trailer he was totally out of control with anger at my "disappearance", even though he watched me leave, knew where I was going, and knew I would be back shortly. We visited some of the many galleries here on weekends but I could not walk away and go look at any other pictures on my own without his flying into a panic about me leaving him behind and abandoning him. I was only around the next corner. The same things happened in the grocery store, on hikes, wherever we would go. His fear was totally blown out of proportion to the incidents involved. If I was gone for even the shortest time and he couldn’t see me, or reach me, or know where I was, it set off an intense emotional reaction in him – at times it was rage. Toward the end of our relationship, the rage had turned to physical violence.
One of my dearest friends once said something that probably best sums up how our relationship was perceived by others: "You two are either fighting or f__king". The passion was intense, but the intensity of the rages was even more so and ever so more harmful to my emotional well-being. He wanted to control my every move; he made unreasonable demands on my time to try to get my constant attention. It was, in the end – never enough to satisfy him.
He began to get worse emotionally, but I attribute some of this to the pressure he also was under at his job. He was working for a boss who was very macho and very demanding and critical. It was not a good fit for Taz. The controller was under another controller’s realm and this ate away at his self esteem on a daily basis. The more his boss tried to control him, the more he tried to control me and take it all out on me. Eventually, he decided to "teach me a lesson". He quit that job and had found himself a new "anchor" (the effeminate male) up north. This guy was going to hire him on a temporary basis and let him stay at his place (in a teepee no doubt) for a while to see how things would work out. His announcement that he was leaving came as a total surprise to me, but by now he had pretty much mastered the art of unpredictable actions and responses. I was very upset that he was leaving so abruptly and quite confused about what it would all mean to our relationship.
What it meant to our relationship was me having $200 long distance phone bills for hours of calls where he would rage at me for not being home when he first called and me wasting his calling cards with messages left on the machine (always angry). He wanted me home when he called – he wanted to know where I was, what I was doing and with whom at all times. Of course, he never believed me when I told him.
Trying to figure out what a BP does – and why – is like trying to answer the age-old question, "What is life?" They have no idea who they are, why they are doing what they do, or where it is all leading them. Their reality is like no one else’s. In my case, my ex-SO had disassociated so much that his reality had been re-written, just to suit him. I found out later on that he took a signed check, made out to no one in particular, from his former boss whom he had told that he needed $500 as a down payment on an apartment because I had thrown him out! Well, the boss knew me, and called me because Taz had made the check out to himself and cashed it. This was all part of the constant chaos created by Taz. Not only did he tell his former co-workers and boss that I was a crazy, suicidal woman and he needed to get away from me, but he also called one of my staff and asked her questions about how I was doing because he was worried I might kill myself because I was so upset at his move up north. These are only a few of the personal distortions he used. I can only imagine what he told the new "anchor".
Now that I’ve been through months and months of therapy and have read myriad books and articles on BP, I can see clearly that he used projection, distortion campaigns, emotional, physical and verbal abuse, chaos and unpredictability to try to control me and break down my boundaries. In some cases, like the invasion of my private journals and pictures, he just went ahead and trampled over the boundaries. I sit here now, writing this, and honestly can tell you that I do still love that man very much – whoever he might really be under this disorder. I can’t explain why I still love him because I was admittedly an emotional basket case with him on the whole. We were either engulfed in one another – isolated from friends and the outside world, or we were in the throws of serious conflict – one of us wanting to leave and abandon the other – and all of the craziness.
There is so much more to tell of our 2-year roller coaster ride. We still maintain minimal contact today. He is still with his "fella" up north, and I have taken back my house and my life. It has been a painful and expensive (at least for me) journey. But, I’ve heard that it’s not the destination that counts – it’s the journey. Happy travels to you, but try to avoid the Land of OZ unless you are of strong fiber and can survive the ever present whirlwinds of emotion trying to plow you under.
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