Emotional Vampirism

In reading the posts about the many faces of bpd, I’m reminded once more of my own personal attempt to ’make meaning ’ from my experiences.

One of the metaphors that kept coming to mind when I was in the thick of the bpd crazies was that of emotional vampires.

It was like ALL that I was before the bpd relationship, got sucked out.. and all that he thought I was (can we spell projection?) got put in it’s place.

I started having the same behaviors and thought patterns that he did.. ’fleas’.. I took on his version of reality and allowed mine to be sucked away.

In the middle of the rages, sleep deprivation and other crazy-making, I would catch this look on his face.. it was absolutely horrifying, like he was getting some kind of ’high’ from the pain and suffering he was causing me.

I noticed a pattern, that like any other addiction, he needed to increase the depth, intensity and duration of the pain he produced in me, like the ’high’ wore off, and he had to get ’more’ to get his ’fix’.

This was also in relation to his need to control every aspect of my/our life. I got so caught up in his version of reality, like proving to him that I was NOT having affairs, or thinking of having them or having emotional affairs, or stealing his money or being controlling, and on and on...

All my thoughts, energies, everything revolved around ’proving’ that his delusions and accusations were not true. It was an impossible thing. That’s why it was delusional, because no information would change his opinion/idea.

All that was ME, what I liked, enjoyed, was good at, got sucked away, like a vampire draining the life blood out of me.. friends and family relationships destroyed or lost.. things I enjoyed left undone for years..

The more pain he caused me to feel, the more he enjoyed what he was doing.. the cruelty, the deliberate cruelty was horrific. I have a pet theory, that there is a chemical produced in the body/brain of the bpd during such times that is highly addictive, and that over time they MUST increase their behaviours desperately trying to produce the same level of feeling/thoughts. Whether it’s about a control thing, or an endorphin related thing or an adrenaline thing I am not sure.

Any one else out there had similar ideas?

At one point my now bpd ex h (How nice it is to say those words!!!) looked into the mirror and said: what do you do if you look in the mirror and there’s no body there?

It was spooky. but one of the few insightful comments he ever made.

respectfully,

Deedee

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