Emotional Detachment

Why it’s Important Nons are all the time doing really stupid (or desperate) things in an effort to meet the emotional needs of their BPSOs. In some cases the intention is to ’give him what he wants’ to ’make the crazyness stop’.

These can range from simply not standing up for oneself, allowing a small boundary violation to occur, to emotionally, and

most often financially devastatingly stupid. One fellow we know signed his entire house over to his BPSO on the way out. His intention was to ’get out’ NOW. It didn’t work.

Another Non tried settling a divorce out of court by offering a $250,000 "signing bonus" during mediation. That didn’t work. Signing over kids doesn’t work. There is too much emptyness at the core of the BP’s personality for anything to work. Any thing that seems to work is usually of short duration and extracts a high price from others.

So how does a Non survive? The only way is through achieving a zen-like state called "emotional detachment." This means ’stepping out of the box’ that is the BP/Non BP dynamic. This means understanding that it’s NOT about you, the Non. This means understanding that you are a sane person dealing with an insane disorder. You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you can’t Cure it.

Emotional detachment means learning to see that what the other person (the BP) is doing in terms of the disorder. It’s all about them, not you. Learning that what they are accusing you of, is most often just what they are thinking, or actually doing. When this happens the BP in your life is Projecting his thoughts, fears, actions and even behaviors onto you. What he says about you is often a tool to understanding what he is thinking about, planning or may attempt to do.

Getting into a place of emotional detachment means that you have to STOP spending time, energy and oft times money, attempting to ’prove’ to them that you are NOT being controlling, emotionally abusive, unfaithful, etc. etc.

Emotional detachment is absolutely required to do well in court and in life in general with a BPSO. You need to get out of the "emotional quagmire" and be able to see things rationally. Setting boundaries for yourself is one way of looking at this.

That is, if you set a boundary with yourself that you will not be angered by BP behaviors, then you’ve maintained a boundary internally. This is a good thing.

Now, emotionally detaching, while important, is very difficult. This person who has the disorder is important to you. You care about them.

So how can you begin to do this? Here are some suggestions:

1) The "NO CONTACT RULE":

One tool often used in emotionally detaching is having at least a period of "no contact" whatsoever. This provides a cooling off period in which you can recover from the "seasickness" that you get from being in Oz. It means no contact directly or indirectly. Have your lawyer handle it. No phone calls, no visual sightings, no emails. This gives you time to get out of the crazy-making of the BPD/NonBPD dynamic.

2) Stepping out of the box:

Getting out of the crazy making takes time and energy. To begin doing so, you might wish to make an imaginary movie, with yourself as both a principal player and a director. You can then watch yourself in the movie, interacting with the BP in your life. You can make changes in how you respond, edit as often as needed until you are pleased with how you do. It is vital that you understand that you cannot CONTROL the other person. You can anticipate, you can do your best to remember how he reacted in the past and may react in the future. They still have their own choices to make. You are responsible only for you and for your children.

Your brain is a miraculous instrument. If you imagine a new outcome often enough, if you imagine a new way of staying out of the crazy-making of the dynamic often enough, it becomes as real to your brain as if you were already doing it. Then, when it actually begins (the interaction with the BP) you have a sort of ’road map’ to follow that leads to a different outcome, at least for you, in how you feel about yourself.

3) Future Pacing:

Now that you’ve begun to detach, you may be asking "How to I make this work in the future?" Great question. Here’s one way: It’s called "future pacing". With future pacing, you imagine yourself in a situation in the future, where you are likely to encounter the person in your life who has the disorder. Next, You then imagine yourself calmly facing the insanity of

the situation, and imagine your responses to the craziest things you can come up with. Get into the details here. Imagine the sound of your voice. Is it high? Low? What is your calmest voice? Use it. Pay attention to where your breathing is in your chest. Is it high up? Are you feeling anxious? You might want to take some calming breaths, lower your breathing down into

the lower part of your abdomen. Next, pay attention to your feelings. Focus on feeling calm and in charge. If you need to pretend that you are not truly there, but watching yourself watch yourself interact, this may be helpful until you achieve some true calm and some success. Imagine what you will say. Where will you look? (It’s best to look slightly off the eyes of the other person).

Have fun with this idea. Imagine how good you feel now that you’re learning new tools for interacting with more resources with the BP in your life. Be proud of your courage.

4) Roll Playing

If you have a therapist, or a friend who understands BPD, try roll playing. Have them play the roll of your significant other. Have them be as unreasonable as possible, but within the dynamic of what you’ve been experiencing. Practice the encounter.

5) Removing the Emotion in an Emergency

Your emotions are important. They deserve to be dealt with. You are entitled to have them. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, however, your emotions can get you into trouble. There are several techniques for removing you from the situation. One is to imagine that you are a third party simply observing the interchange. Another is to imagine your significant other being very small, black and white, with a small voice, like a little mouse. Try playing the roll of Mr. Spock, not allowing emotions to rule you in this situation. This is not to say that you bury your emotions. You’ve done that for years, and now is a good time for your emotions to be validated, and expressed. These are emergency techniques to be used for short periods of times during encounters with your BPSO.

It is also important for you to know that if you make a mistake, you can start all over again. Just because you messed up today, does in no way mean you have to do it again in the future!

Then, the next time you are interacting with the BP in your life you have new tools and resources to be more calm, more focused and stay in Kansas, rather than taking a new trip to Oz.

It is also vital that you get the support of people who understand what it’s like to be where you are.

You must deal with your emotions honestly, and fully. Do it in a safe way, with a therapist or friend. Don’t try and deal with your emotions in the presence of your BPSO.

Life is a journey not a destination. Walk Strong!