BPD411 - Double Binds

Double Binds

Lose/Lose Situations

Ever try to hit a moving target?

> What a great analogy, I live in a similar situation daily. Thank you all

> for the daily postings, they help keep me focused on what I can and can not

> do. My BPW is constantly setting up "lose/lose" situations.

> Holding.........

Tansi all.. Deedee here..

The ’lose-lose’ reminds me of something my exbpdh said with great regularity when confronted with the fact that he did this: ’if I have to lose, then I’m goin to make da** sure that YOU lose bigger than me’.

Seems to be one of those rules for bpd-land...

Or else there really are only one male bpd (and thousands of his clones) and one female bpd (and thousands of her clones)!

respectfully

Deedee

Why Double Binds

The double bind is a frequent visitor in a relationship with someone with BPD traits. Some people refer to it as the "set up". Others call it the "no win situation". But in any case, a double bind is a situation in which no matter how you answer, or even if you don’t answer, you cannot win.

A typical one is, "Does this dress make me look fat?" If you say yes, then you have told your partner that they look fat to you. If you say no, then there can be an assumption that other dresses make her look fat, or that you don’t care how she looks.

At the root of most double binds is the assumption of a negative intention. That is, the BP assumes that you have a negative intention (projection?) and therefore, no matter what you say, you end up being uncaring, etc.

How to Handle the Double Bind

Getting out of double binds can be accomplished in one of two ways. The first is an "out of the box" solution. The second is "the choice" solution. Out of box solutions are better, but more difficult to come up with. Borrowing from literature, It’s what Jesus most often used to get out of no win situations with the Pharises. For example, when asked whether taxes should be paid to the Romans, if Jesus said "Yes", then he would be a Roman sympathizer. If he said "No" then he was advocating breaking the law. So he chose an out of box solution, he took out a coin and said, "Who’s picture is on the coin", answering, they said, "Ceasar". He then replied, "Render unto Ceasar that which is Ceasar’s". The out of box solution was perfect in that it made the other party answer the question in a way that they couldn’t come back on him.

Since we aren’t usually as smart as Jesus, and out of box solutions are difficult to come up with, the other solution is "the choice." In this solution we accept that the BP is going to be mad at us, but we can choose WHAT they will be mad at us about. In the extreme case, you can choose to leave the relationship. They can then be mad at you for leaving them. You have chosen WHAT they are mad about in a way that is healthier for you.

BPD411 Home - Services - Resources - Partners - Contact Us - Mailing List

Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.