When you leave or threaten to leave someone with BP traits, you are often subjected to an intense distortion campaign. At this point, you are split bad, and are categorized in the same group as Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler and the demons from hell. The only thing you can do is try and minimize the damage.
The reason for this is that most people with borderline traits are driven by an intense fear of abandonment. If you start to really abandon them (as in a divorce or trial separation) they will do anything to stop it. One approach to stopping your abandonment of them is to be nice again. This is the hoover. Another approach is to make leaving them so painful, that you will stop, come back and be a good Non again. This is often accomplished through the distortion campaign.
Sometimes, they will create situations involving the police. Once the police get there, they accuse you of some terrible thing. Of course, you’re upset anyway, and not usually in a good space to explain things calmly to the police at that point. If you are the man, many police officers will automatically assume you are at fault in any domestic incident.
Once you go to trial to get a divorce, then all the stops are out, and since you are split bad, they have absolutely nothing good to say about you at all. This can serve them in getting custody of children, or in trying to get more money. The motivations for someone with borderline traits to want to keep the children are numerous. One, it gives them a hook into continuing the relationship with you, the Non. Two, if you want the children, it’s something they can take away from you that is meaningful. Three, they may be so enmeshed with the child that the child is like a part of them, and you threatening to take the child away is like threatening to take away a kidney.
Once you are permanently split bad, there are no more moral brakes. If you were Eva Braun, divorcing Hitler, then you would be justified in taking anything from the old bird that you could. You would accuse him of deviant sexual practices, of hating the Jews, of murder if you could begin to prove it. It’s all in the "best interest" of the child to keep the child away from Hitler, after all.
Now, how to minimize the damage. First, don’t get caught in a situation where your actions can be misinterpreted. If you are going to get a child, take a witness with you. Don’t be with your BPSO by yourself. Don’t be with your children by yourself any more than you can help. Be with them in public places, have visitors over to your home. Don’t allow yourself to be accused of molestation or other unfounded charges simply because you don’t have witnesses. If you can enlist an exchange service to help with visitation, this can be extremely helpful. Avoiding any one on one contact with your BPSO is a good thing at this point in the relationship, and an exchange service can be very useful. Tell the exchange service what happened if your child injures herself. Don’t hide things.
During your relationship, you and your BPSO have probably developed mutual friends. Dealing with these friends in the context of a distortion campaign is also a complex issue.
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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.
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