Detaching

Living Your Own Life

One of the greatest issues facing many Nons is the enmeshment that they feel with their significant others demonstrating borderline traits. Being with someone with borderline traits is extremely hazardous to your self esteem. You may have been led to believe that you aren’t good enough to be with someone better. That you deserve all of the treatment that you receive at the hands of your BPSO. All of these sorts of statements come from your significant other’s fear of being abandoned by you.

In Amistad, Stephen Speilberg’s film, as food runs short some slaves are pushed over the side of the boat while still chained together. Of course, they sink to the bottom of the ocean and drown together. It is a horrifying, chilling scene that you can never forget. Are you chained to a person who is going to drag you someplace you would rather not go? Detaching means simply disconnecting yourself from another, and allowing them to go their own way while you go your own way. This doesn’t necessarily mean separation nor divorce. Emotional detachment can help even if you are a dedicated stayer. You can and must live your own life more fully even if you decide to stay. Critical to this endeavor is emotionally detaching from the effects of the disorder upon you. When your significant other says something that is untrue or unkind, question it in your own mind. Determine if they have a real point, and if so, work on it. If not, detach and don’t allow that unkind or untrue thing to hurt you. Tell yourself that it is the disorder that is talking. Gaining this detached zen-like state will help you to keep a better hand hold on reality. If you get emotionally torn up by everything your significant other says, then you aren’t taking care of yourself. If you can’t take care of yourself , then you certainly aren’t doing your significant other any good by sticking around.

There have been books written on overcoming an addiction to a person. It’s terrible to be emotionally attached to a person who is dragging you down with them. Each Non must walk their own road to recovery from the devastating effects of BPD on their lives, it is up to you to decide whether that walk is a trip you need to take by yourself or with your significant other.

An Exercise

Imagine that what is happening is a movie. You are watching yourself and your partner. If the feelings remain too intense, make it a black and white movie.

If it’s still too intense, step back one more.. watch yourself, watching yourself. Carlos Castenada called it first person removed and second person removed.

In NLP framework, it’s called ’taking the observer position’. There is a whole process to use if you are not able to do it easily.

This involves taking three pieces of paper.. marking one: Observer, the second: Self, third: Other.

Place them on the floor. Then remember an interaction with the ’other, the SO’. Pick one that was ’medium’.. that is, hard but not overwhelming.

Stand in your own position first, ’self’. Remember to step back into that moment in time, feeling what you felt, thinking what you were thinking. Listen to the internal dialogue. If you are really tactile, write down your thoughts, feelings and impressions on the paper. Pay attention to your perceptions. Do you feel your own size or is the SO much taller? ARe you responding at your current age, or have you gone back to a part of your childhood when someone in authority was standing over you and attacking you? If so, make a conscience effort to regain your present age and with all the knowledge you have now. Make sure you are looking ’eye’ to ’eye’, with equality of size. When it is over, take a few long and deep breaths.

Then step back to ’now’. Reorient yourself. Then step into the "Observer’ right on top of that piece of paper. Again, replay the memory but watch yourself watching yourself and the other. Pay attention to how the ’self’ is standing, body tension, facial expressions, like you are watching through a secret window or two way mirror. Listen to tone of voice of both ’self’ and ’other’. What ’triggers’ the ’self’ into acting or responding in less than resourceful ways? Use this to gather a lot of information, like a reporter, reporting a breaking news story. When you are done, take some deep breaths and step back into the present, the ’now’. If you need to make notes, please do so on the paper you were standing on.

Lastly, review.. figure out what words, actions, accusations, etc. are your ’triggers’. Imagine a new response. Think about a similar event happening. Go into detail, what you will say.. focus on YOU, not the SO. Chances are you can predict what they will say, but don’t get caught up in that right now. See things ending in a different way, with you coming out of the experience with your BPSO feeling calm, resourceful, staying in YOUR reality. Repeat this as often as you need to, creating a new ’map’ for you to use in the next similar interaction.

If during the interaction, you begin to feel those old feelings of being attacked, move to the ’Observer’ position. Make the images black and white. Or imagine that you are taller than your SO.

Fine tune the process. Review each incident and repeat the exercise until you are acheiving different outcomes.

Some call it ’detaching with love’. Or with caring/compassion. The important part is to hear what’s being said without being over whelmed by the feelings of your partner.