BPD411 - Skeleton

Codependency

In the simplest terms, codependency is when a person is addicted to another person. The codependent is unable to clearly think about the relationship, and any ill effects that it may have on them.

Historically, the notion of codependency comes to us from the earliest understandings about alcohol addiction, when codependency was seen as a disease. At that time, some people began to think of co-addicts as being a part of the problem. Co-addicts were the partners, friends, and/or children of the addict who were not addicted, but helped the addict stay addicted by their behaviour. Later, as understanding of addictions improved, patterns began to emerge, first in the area of chemical dependencies, and later in understanding of the addictive process and the addictive personality structure. Now we know addictions can include anything from alcohol and drugs, to sex, to gambling, to eating, to almost anything you can think of. Including being addicted to another person.

All forms of addiction have one thing in common though: the addiction causes pain, which makes our bodies produce beta-endorphins (a natural pain killer) which make us feel good. If we remain in an unhealthy relationship that causes us pain, then we should be aware of the potential for codependence.

Codependence occurs when we remain in an unhealthy relationship with another person who is struggling with or suffering from dysfunctional behaviors, addictions, or emotional illness and not attending to their own healing or supporting us in our healing.

It is a way of relating that requires the addict to stay addicted and the partner to be helpless in changing the addictive behaviour or leaving the relationship (stuck). This is coupled with “secondary gains,” such as feeding low self-esteem and other self-worth issues.

Codependency “Rules”

1. Don’t feel.

2. Don’t think.

3. Don’t talk about feelings.

4. Don’t identify, talk about or solve problems

5. Be good, right, strong and perfect.

6. Take care of others and neglect yourself.

7. Don’t have fun, don’t be silly, don’t enjoy life.

8. Don’t trust yourself.

9. Don’t trust anyone.

10. Don’t be vulnerable.

11. Don’t get close to people.

12. Don’t grow, change or ’rock the (family) boat’.

* Melody Beattie (Beyond Codependency)

Codependency Worksheet:

Codependency is a complicated problem, which may be related to many things: family violence or dysfunction, addictions and/or past abuse issues. The underlying factors appear to be poor self-esteem, poor self-image, and poor sense of self. What are some other possible factors you can think of?

Write out your own definition of codependency. Be sure to include at least three examples of codependent behaviour from your own experience of yourself or of people you know.

How does codependency relate to you personally?

How have the codependency “rules” listed earlier applied to you or to someone you know?

The codependent rules listed also become our strongest survival skills. They allow us to survive abuse, addictions, family violence, others. They also prevent us from moving forward in our own Healing Journey.

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.