List of Characteristics Common to Nons

Nons have common characteristics which are as useful for diagnosis as the DSM characteristics of BPs. When we first got this collected from a mailing list for NonBP’s I excitedly printed it off.. took it in to my therapist.. told him I had a list of what was ’wrong’ with me and all we had to do now was ’fix’ it!

After reading this list over, he smiled.. then chuckled.. then laughed.. he said: “but these are ALL great characteristics.. why would you want to change them?”

We decided, instead that the major difficulty was that for most of us Non’s, the basic problem (aside from major boundary difficulties) is that most if not all of the following characteristics are on the ’high’ side.. that is.. too flexible.. no limits.. usually, there is a range from flexible to rigid.. a continuum.. and we range from one to the other.. and all the points in between.. but for us Non’s.. we seem to have just one setting: ’too high’ in too many places..

The best analogy that I had then was what if we made steel with the flex tolerances ALL on the high side.. super flexibility and no strength? would an airplane fly? Not a chance!

In my experiences, personal and professional, we, as Nons, need to develop that range along the normal continuum of human behavior.. and that is where appropriate and healthy boundaries come in.. sort of like Star Trek shields.. they let good stuff (air and light and other good stuff) in.. but keep bad stuff (bpd photon torpedoes) out.. appropriate and healthy boundaries move in close to allow someone to be close (intimacy) and out to protect us and create distance and safety when needed or with those who are not ’safe’..

As Non’s, many of us seem to have two settings: complete walls.. or nothing at all..

We may also believe (or buy into the bpd world view) that we Must share ’all’ of us, our past, present, thoughts, feelings, everything about ourselves with our significant others..

When the other person is healthy and respectful, this might be okay. When that person is bpd, we give them ammunition that they then use in the most painful, hurtful and often vicious way possible and often when we are feeling most vulnerable.

Personally I am of the opinion that not every thought, feeling, memory, etc. must be shared with the significant person in my life.. I have some areas that are private.. and I can and will decide what I want/wish to share..

So here goes folks.. I invite you to think about what’s on the list.. take a personal inventory.. begin to figure out where and what works, what causes problems.. what needs adjustments?

Let us know what you all think!

Self Assesment

Desire to make others happy even at our own expense (co-dependency)
Not looking after our own needs
Excessive flexibility.
A feeling we have to do better. and our best is never enough (perfectionism).
An inability to focus on ourselves and a tendency to be too easily led into focusing (unhealthily) on our BP. (It’s easier to think about other people’s problems than my own.)
Lack of clear boundaries (other people wouldn’t tolerate the raging).
A feeling we always know better (enough to drive even the sanest into a BP rage).
An intensity/devotion to commitment and fidelity.. Intransigent hope coupled to expectation that we *must* be able to effect something positive to improve the circumstances.
Willingness to interpret the slightest "improvement" as undeniable progress
Willingness to abandon ourselves, with determination to not "abandon" another and the inability to recognize that this solves nothing except to continue the self-devaluation that began the spiral --only now, it is cloaked in a definition of humanity.
Poor self-image/out of focus or simply self-hatred.
Nothing I do is good enough/ the need to be criticized.
Justify my existence by doing for others.
Need to be controlled/unable to trust in self-direction
Irrational loyalty to others--(willingness to abandon self but not others).
Inability to recognize our own hurt feelings when emotional injured.
The ability to make an instant assessment but to delay action (deer-in-the- headlights syndrome).
The ability to delay gratification, even forever
Long-suffering, martyrdom - nobody else could stand this, but I can and I do.
The ability to co-operate but not to delegate.
The initial ability to see the forest through the trees but eventually the inability to escape the jungle.
An inability to allow people to fail or suffer
The tendency to feel responsible for others at the expense of being responsible for ourselves
Unsure about our own value and dependent on the other person’s opinion.
Willing to jump through burning hoops while bending over backwards, way out of your way, in order to win back the approval of someone who once appeared to approve; willingness to keep trying no matter what.
Excessive conscientiousness.
Willing to appear "too good for this world" - with good intentions, optimism, a forgiving nature, we advertise unconditional love, offer a place where a BP can feel warm and secure - for a while.
Belief that I am the only salvation for my "poor" Bpw; if he/she would believe in me, we would both find true happiness.
Drawn to drama, passion and fairy tales; belief in a soul mate and happily ever after.
Unresolved abandonment issues of our own
Low self-confidence, meaning that I think that I do not deserve anything better than what I’m getting.
The need to logically justify each and every one of your actions and seek approval from authority figures or BPDSO before proceeding.
The habit of lying as part of walking on eggshells.

If you would like to go through this in a test format, try our Non Assessment.

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.