The BPD Wars

(Written Sept 11, 2002)

This is what I understand and remember of the BPD Wars on my Soul:

I understand the grief and pain that you’ve experienced, because, I too, felt and live with it.

The grief of broken dreams and hopes.. the grief of friends lost, children emotionally burdened with their own pain caused by their BPD parent..

The middle of the night awakenings, wondering how in the name of all that is Holy, I allowed the situation to go on for so many years, feeling helpless, feeling blamed, feeling like the best thing for all those I loved and cared for would be for me to stop living..

The hours of body shaking tears, crying convulsively with my own pain and feeling totally worthless as a human being, spouse, mother, friend.. learning to cry silently in case one of the children, or worse, my BPD spouse, might hear me and begin another raging tirade aimed at destroying me to my very soul.. and the horrible, satisfied smile that would come across his face when he realized that it was working.. I was being destroyed, to my very soul..

The fear.. of change.. of staying.. or leaving.. of life itself.. surely I could figure out what I was doing wrong and fix it and everything would be just fine? .. or at least free from pain..

The endless nights when my brain just wouldn’t stop working.. even tho I had a job, responsibilities, things that absolutely must be done and that I must do them.. and hold my family together.. hold myself together so that no one on the outside would know what was happening at home..

The beginnings of healing and hope.. slowly, sometimes one minute at a time.. that maybe I could survive.. and heal.. and move on in my life.. a new life.. not the same.. not better.. but at least relatively free from the chaos, control, pain, projection, splitting, raging that had come to be so familiar.. almost comforting in their familiarity..

One day realizing that life was moving on.. and that, sometimes, I actually felt good.. and realizing how long it had been since I’d felt that way.. and how much I enjoyed it.. even if only for a little while.. Noticing that each day was not ’better’.. but different than the BPD chaos.. that more often than not, I did feel okay.. that I was doing what needed to be done.. that there were moments, then hours, then days of peace in my Soul.. rediscovering that I could pray as I needed.. and leave HIM the one with the disorder up to God and himself..... while working at my own healing..

Then, one day, realizing that the pain was not so intense.. I actually enjoyed waking up each morning.. instead of the morbid dread.. and sense of ’going through the motions’.. my soul was healing.. life is worth living.. and joy can be found in so many things in each day.. my children’s smile.. a sunrise or sunset.. watching a family with love binding them together and know that I can and will (and now, for me, have) achieve a loving family for my children.. and today, I have learned to share and love and grow without the bpd-related pain.. and life is good..

So on this day of national remembrance, I remember the invisible Non’s.. striving to heal, and grow, and learning to live in healthier ways.. still carrying the shadows of BPD-trauma.. but learning to live, love, laugh, share, and enjoy life once more.

Many of us on this list understand so much of what each of you have been through..

I’ve been honored to watch many of you grow into a remarkable and insightful people over the years of your healing.. watching you reach out to others and lend them some of your strength, your insight, your gentle (and sometimes not so gentle) spirits..

We remember.. on this day of Remembrance of a National Tragedy.. the strength of the Spirit of all Humanity.. Nons and not-Nons alike.. knowing that sometimes we become WHO we are, BECAUSE of our trials and life’s adversities.. that through all of the pain, sorrow, grief, loss, through all of the life’s tragedy, we are SURVIVORS .. and we can be proud of ourselves and of each other.. and I am proud of all of us.. each member of our cyber community..

We have survived the war on our souls that this horrible disorder waged against us and our families..

So, dear friends, I remember.. and I understand in some part.. the losses and pain that you endured to become who you are this day.. and I am most honored to be your friend..

As I am honored to be part of this community..

I invite each of you to share as you are able.. about this day.. about your own journey’s toward healing.. towards peace in your soul..

Not in any way to take away from those who left this World of Earthly Things one year ago.. but in honor of the strength, courage, and heroism that is within EVERY human Soul.

I remember..

I will NEVER forget..

I will learn to live with love and joy each day.. that is how I honor those who’ve gone on, and those who are still here..

And once more, dear friend, I ask, How do you feel this day? Is there something I can do to help?

And to those of you I know and love and those I know only from your postings.. I’m so VERY PROUD of each of you for surviving.. for your courage.. and your own personal heroism.. with all my respect..

Deedee

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.