Would you intentionally allow someone to cut you with a knife or razor? Would you allow them to repeatedly cut you once or twice a month? It might not be so bad, you could get used to the pain, right? They could sterilize the razor, explain it to you in ways that you could come to accept over time. "So you can understand why I have to cut myself sometimes." You might think, "No, that’s crazy, I wouldn’t allow anyone to do that! I would stop it immediately, or get out of the relationship as soon as possible. I wouldn’t allow things to go that far!"
Would you allow someone to act out violent rape fantasies as part of your sexual interaction with them? Would you allow your significant other to drive at 110 miles per hour down a poorly maintained dirt road? Would you permit yourself to be beaten to the point of hospitalization on a monthly basis? Would you engage in a pack to commit suicide to be with your significant other forever? Would you allow a room finished in beautiful walnut burl to be painted over?
We know of Nons who’s boundaries allowed for all of these specific things to happen. If your boundaries are too flexible, you can die. You may die literally and quickly or just die slowly inside.
Not allowing someone to cut you with a knife is a boundary that most of us maintain. Yet many Nons allow the significant other in their life with borderline traits to violate boundaries that are even more damaging or risky than being regularly cut with a sterile razor blade.
Maintaining appropriate spiritual and emotional boundaries are no less important to your long term well being than any of these sexual or physical boundary violations.
Boundaries are not punishments against your BP for their bad behavior. You are not your BPSO’s parent. You have no right to punish another adult in a peer relationship for their bad behavior. What you do have a right to is to determine what you choose to expose yourself to and your limits as to what you will put up with. You have an obligation to protect yourself and your children from inappropriate behaviors.
Let’s try a little closer to home. Would you allow your significant other to rage at you? Would you put up with it to try and "keep the peace, at any price." Empathy can be a bad and unhealthy thing, if we put the others needs higher on our priority list than our own, while never quite getting to looking after our own needs and wants.
This may be a new concept to you, or not. As a human being, YOU have the right to control over your own body. You also have other rights. YOUR BODY IS YOURS. No one has the right to touch you, or to speak to you intrusively. No one has the right to invade your personal space, except in ways that feel good to you and that you give permission for. You can say NO at any time. As Ann Landers says, “the only answer a snoopy question deserves is silence.”
No one has the right to tell you what you feel about a particular thing. No one has the right to tell you that you aren’t feeling scared, lonely, happy, sad or any other feeling you are experiencing when that is what you ARE feeling. Your feelings are yours. They belong to you. Your feelings, like your body, are yours. You are the expert on what you feel, not the BP in your life. YOU get to decide what feelings you are experiencing, what you are thinking, and when to share, or what not to share.
So what can you do? You can begin to learn to establish a healthy boundary. Establishing a boundary may seem intimidating at first. This involves deciding what is acceptable behavior for you to engage or participate in, and setting a limit or consequence about what you will do if that boundary is not respected.
Consistency
The most important part of setting a boundary is to follow through with the consequence that you have stated EVERY TIME. The BP in your life, is in many ways, similar to a two year old child. This person will need many, many repetitions to learn to change his/her behavior in respect to the new boundary that you are setting.
It is good to introduce the idea of change at a time when things are not emotionally intense. At a time when things are calm, you can let the BP know that you are doing some healing and growing, for your sake and the sake of the relationship. Let him/her know that for growth to continue, you need to have some changes in how the two of your relate. For instance, if raging is a problem, you could say: “When you scream at me and get into my face, I feel threatened and unsafe. I know that you don’t want me to feel this way. From now on, when you do this, I will leave the room. If you follow me, I will leave the house. If it continues, I will call the police.”
You then must follow through with the consequences you have stated, no matter what the BP in your life says or does. New ideas should be introduced during a calm period, not in the middle of a rage.
The easiest and most gentle way of dealing with this is to remember, that you do not have to rationalize your boundary. You do not have to defend your boundary. It is YOURS. You simply have to state it and enforce it. You do not have to ‘prove’ your right to have it. You cannot prove anything to most of those with the disorder since irrational thinking and some delusionary thinking are often part of the disorder. The BP in your life may do his or her absolute best to convince you otherwise. Stand firm in your own reality. It belongs to you.
The BP in our life may react in many different ways when you begin to establish boundaries. He/she may begin to rage at this time, may become quiet and attempt to talk rationally, (and then get into crazy making) go off on a tangent or use what ever button he/she knows will get your attention. We suggest that you not discuss the issue further at this time. It may be helpful to state a time when you are willing to discuss it again. Keep the time for discussion short. End it when it becomes counter productive. You are in charge of how you react. You cannot control the other person or the disorder. You cannot cure it, and you surely didn’t cause it.
Setting one boundary at a time is an easier way to introduce change. The BP in your life will test the boundary again and again, just like a small child or teenager testing out a parent’s rules and discipline. If you are inconsistent even once, you may need to start all over again. If you do, do your best to stay on track, and keep learning and healing. If you make a mistake, start over again. You do not have to be bound by yesterday’s mistakes into making a new one today. The BP may say: “But it was okay yesterday/last week/last month”. A good answer to this is: “Because I made a mistake last week, you want me to continue to do it again now? I don’t think so.”
The consequence of violating the boundary must be completely in your control. You can’t say, "The next time you do that, I won’t allow you to go to the movies." You can’t and shouldn’t try to control your borderline significant other. You can say, "If you do that again, I will leave the house." You can say, "I have the right to my own space, and my own thoughts and I don’t have to answer that question." You can implement your safety plan so that you can do these things should the need arise.
Don’t escalate the consequence of a boundary violation to something you are uncomfortable with. If you aren’t ready to leave the relationship, then don’t say, "If you don’t X, I will seek a divorce." The time for these sorts of ultimatums may come, but don’t set yourself up for failure by setting the consequence higher than you can deal with at this particular time.
Change takes time. It is frightening for all of us, but more so for those with the disorder. Your setting a boundary may trigger feelings of abandonment or a sense of being controlled for them. This is NOT your problem. That is their issue. It is up to them to deal with their issues and for you to deal with yours.
Change is hard work. Healing is hard work. But you are worth the effort.
- Deedee and Kelly
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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.
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