Boundaries and Privacy

Many Non’s have difficulty understanding the difference between healthy personal boundaries and non healthy dysfunctional boundaries. Another area of concern is that of what is personal privacy in the context of relationships with those with the disorder. Since it is hard to keep one’s own reality, and not take a trip to the Land of Oz (BPD reality), the following information may be helpful. You are invited to take the parts that ’fit’ and feel right for you, and ignore the remainder.

As someone who has had to deal with someone in your life (past or present) with Borderline Personality Disorder, you may have heard the following accusation once or twice.

"I have nothing to hide... do you have something to hide or not?"

There is often an assumption that if two people are married or in a relationship that there can be ’no secrets’ and no privacy, that EVERYTHING must be shared. This is a false assumption that often leads to much misery and future pain. Not to mention having great potential to be used during divorce or custody disputes to hurt someone.

In a healthy relationship, that does NOT involve co-dependency or bpd-like disorders, there are healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries are like elastics.. stretch to allow more space inside (privacy).. shrink to allow others close to us.. (closeness/intimacy). Many of us who have had co-dependant issues have rigid boundaries or none at all.. all or nothing.. no flexibility.. This is further affected by the damage that being in a relationship with someone with BPD does to us, as Nons.

Privacy includes things like not going into one another’s private belongings such as a wallet or a purse, or not opening one another’s mail (e-mail included!) or not reading a personal journal, or diary. This is normal and healthy.

Privacy is often negotiated by the people in the relationship, as fits for them. Having a private e-mail address, a private desk drawer, etc. is perfectly normal and healthy. My grandmother-who gets wiser each year as I get older, once said; "Husbands should buy their wives a desk and then keep their cotton picking hands off it!"

Having absolutely NO SECRETS or NO BOUNDARIES is most unhealthy. The most often used abuse excuse, is, in my experience: "what’s the matter? Got something to hide?"

Everyone, married or not is entitled to SOME areas of privacy.. being in a marriage or other relationship does NOT mean you must share ALL your past, all your secrets.. it should always be your choice.. not forced.. you should never be blackmailed emotionally into disclosing things that are best kept to oneself..

Trust and sharing of one’s life should, in a healthy relationship, evolve over time.. sharing should have more of a purpose than ’proving you love me’.. Intimacy is about having needs for love, caring, compassion, nurturing, physical closeness and emotional closeness met in a MUTUAL way in a relationship..

Anytime someone asks me to ’prove’ something to them, I take a geographic cure..leave the room, etc. The general rule I have evolved over my healing journey is this: If in sharing an event of a personal nature, further closeness is achieved, then the sharing MAY be useful. I also practice a certain amount of self protection and ask: could this be used to hurt me or someone else in the future? Then I decide.. and the answer may be not to share a specific event or experience. I respect myself enough to protect myself, and trust what ’fits’ for me.

-Deedee

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.