Just when everything seemed to be going great, and you’re thinking, "Gee, maybe she’s really improving, maybe she isn’t so hard to get along with after all..."
Whammo! Your wife then trips into a raging, blaming, anger filled episode.
Since you’re on these lists you must think she is BP. And if she and her therapist deny, as in your case, that she has BPD, then we can use a Non-Guy name for someone who denies their problem: "not even close" to having BPD or NECBP, or just NEC for short.
Now that we’ve established that your wife is NECBP, we can look at her behavior in that light, which really is the same as that of a BP. If anything, NECs and BPs are unstable because they carry tremendous emotional tension within themselves. Innocuous triggers can unleash this tension. Moreover, AA has taught me that the tension can be amplified by everyday HALT stress on the person (HALT meaning Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.) My NECW is very prone to trigger when she is overtired, or hungry, or lonely, which she is a lot.
So you really have to expect unstable moods (extreme, of course, with the accompanying extreme behavior) in your NECW. And here is where you find yourself right now.
Typically, this emotional tension drops with the expression and acting out of the extreme moods and behaviors. I don’t know if it’s a cathartic release, or just exhausting, but it certainly is hard on us Non-NECs. But after a while the emotional storm will pass, and she will return to a calmer, more reasonable state - that is, if she is a legitimate NEC.
Now lets talk for a minute about you. You are living with some awful stuff. Dealing with this IS HARD. It IS PAINFUL. And it can lead you to denial of the realities of your situation. Denial is especially easy when she is, at times, able to get herself together and function with a more normal level of emotion and behavior.
You might have heard Skritch and others warning me about expecting too much of my NECW during those times. But denial is not a logical thing, it happens at a lower level. It is, in effect, our mind’s way of protecting us from painful thoughts. As I have been known to say - "Leave me alone! I’m having a decent day for a change!"
Unfortunately, when that emotional tension builds, and those emotions cycle back and explode again, the denial runs smack into reality. And when denial runs into reality, it’s like hitting a brick wall. In fact, I myself just slammed into one of those brick walls yesterday.
NG
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