Intimacy avoidance is, in many ways, a life skill that may be survival based for many with the disorder. For those with the disorder, who are on the high functioning end, who do well in many aspects of their lives, it seems that by avoiding the triggers of abandonment or engulfment, the person with the disorder can remain relatively ’symptom’ free of the more intense aspects and associated behaviors that go along with the disorder. We call this the ’bird in the hand and one (or two) in the bush’ pattern.
Two of the more intense fears that a BP has are the fear of abandonment, being left alone with no significant other, life partner, husband or wife, and the fear of being overwhelmed, engulfed, that is of completely loosing one’s self by being too closely connected to another person. The engulfment part of the cycle is made more frightening due to the lack of a real sense of self that is at the core of self for the person with the disorder. It’s been described by many as a ’great black whole of need/emptiness’.
For most of us, being close, or intimacy, is something we enjoy, and actively seek out. For many with the disorder these are the ’hottest’ buttons. These are the two areas that are most often affected by being in a primary relationship such as a committed relationship, marriage or life partnership. Tho, it can and does occur in parenting relationships where the parent has the disorder. It is most likely to surface in this particular relationship when the child begins to move away, (individuate) from the parent. This may occur during the early preteen or teen years. It has been noticed that some with the disorder will have an ’accidental’ child when the youngest child enters these years to avoid the abandonment issue.
As human beings, we all have a range, or continuum, a fluid dynamic alternating between distance, closeness and a continuum of ranges in-between. In those who are relatively healthy, it is elastic, stretchable. It moves, stretches, shrinks, almost without notice. In those with the disorder, it seems to be more like walls that are either completely solid, allowing nothing in., or completely ineffective and non-existent. (This is also a symptom of poor or unhealthy boundaries in Nons or others affected by dysfunction. For those with the disorder, these two stances, seem to be all that they have-abandonment and engulfment.
A member of our mailing lists wrote: "My sense is that no matter what happens, she will go back and forth. For someone with the disorder, having two people to love, a primary and one in reserve--feels like a ’safe’ situation."
This situation feels safe because getting to close too anyone feels like dying for many with the disorder. As long as they are able to keep some distance, emotionally, from their significant other, it feels ’safe’. Get too close, and they feel overwhelmed, engulfed.
On the other end of the spectrum, they need to feel connected, to avoid their fear of abandonment, which also feels like dying to many. They may have many dysfunctional behaviors to have this need met. These can include being addicted to the act of sex, rather than the rest of a relationship. It can, and often does, include an inability to remain monogamous.
This leads to what has been dubbed will have more than one ’bird in the hand’. They will have two or more in reserve, and keep some form of stability, in a crazy BP sort of way, by migrating back and forth between them. Not all of these may be physical affairs, but emotional ones, where certain emotional needs are met by these other ’birds’.
It seems that having two choices, a primary and a fall back, allows the person with the disorder to function in a more or less ’normal’ fashion for long periods of time, at least as long as none of the parties involved figures out what is going on.
One Non that we know of, was married to someone with the disorders. He as also a family therapist. He had two affairs that went on for many years, with two female clients. By bouncing back and forth between his wife and the two other ’birds’, he was able to appear to function ’normally’ for long periods of time without having his fears of abandonment or engulfment surfacing and causing trouble. This may have allowed him to keep some of his intense symptoms under control over the long term. While it seems on the surface to be a successful coping method, it is important to note that he violated professional ethics, personal boundaries and abused his position of trust with the clients involved.
Healthier functioning people, not affected by the disorder, are able to have many other ’buttons or settings,’ dependent on emotional connection, previous life experience, gender, culture and a hundred other variables.
The challenge for those of us who survive the BPD experience (as a NonBP) is to work at having the healthier flexibilities that allow for the fluid dynamic flow, rather than the inflexibleness and rigidness that we have experienced with the BPD’s in our lives.
Since those with the disorder are individuals, this particular pattern may be played out in many ways. The Non in the relationship can only choose what is healthiest for him/her and move forward in their own healing and recovery.
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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.
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