Anger Management for Nons

Taking Back Control of Myself, My Thoughts and My Feelings

Being in a relationship with a person who has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) can be highly stressful. The chaos that they frequently produce around them and in their families tests us in ways that we’d never have believed possible. Their lack of internal control and ability to rage for endless periods of time can be contagious. As "Nons" (persons in the relationship who do not have BPD) we may be pushed into doing things we’ve never before done in our lives. It is important for Nons to learn new skills and resources to enable us to take back control over our feelings and emotions.

These pages are meant to offer new concepts, new ideas, and new resources for the Non who is walking a Journey of Healing. Feel free to take the parts that work for you or that ‘fit’ your needs - and leave the rest behind. You owe it to yourself to regain control of your feelings and thoughts, and to find more effective ways of dealing with the daily stresses that your relationship with a BP can, and often does, create.

As someone dealing with a person in their life who is suffers from a mental illness, you may have been horrified at what the BPD in your life has done, and even more horrified at some of the actions you have yourself committed. The first step in this Journey of Healing is to forgive yourself. The next step is to find new strategies for accepting all the feelings you have and to begin to make different choices in your relationship.

Words have power. Power to hurt, or power to heal. Words create an energy that is experienced by all who hear them. Words have the power to evoke many emotions in those around them. We must learn to use words as tools of understanding to build bridges of understanding and communication in our relationships. Kindness is a way of relating to all of creation, to all of our relations.

Emotions and feelings are themselves meant to be helpers in our lives. They have an intent that is positive, if we will learn to listen to them. They are also there to help us learn, grow and change. Emotions and feelings are not themselves either good or bad. They exist. It is our choices around how we react to our emotions that creates either a positive outcome or a negative consequence. For purposes of these pages, emotions are defined as a strong feeling. Feelings are defined as an expression of an emotion in thoughts, words, actions or behaviors. This may seem like the old chicken and egg idea, but it is an easy way to make some meaning out of our experiences.

We are socialized (taught by our culture) that anger is a negative or bad thing - that it is not ’nice’ to be angry, or to express that anger. This encourages us to bury angry feelings inside ourselves, again and again, until we literally explode over some real or perceived wrong.

How many of us have had a really bad day at work, or at home with the children? Had a family member say or do something that we would normally brush off - but we found ourselves overreacting?

How often have we been so exhausted by the chaos of having someone in our lives with a personality disorder that others get less than our best?

It is important to accept that anger exists for a reason, and when the proper anger management skills are developed, it can be an important and useful tool. You may wish to download the following exercise and do it as ‘homework’.

Anger:

To understand how to deal with our anger in a constructive manner that does not injure ourselves or those around us, we must first understand and acknowledge how we feel when we are angry.

These are my signs of anger:

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This is how my body feels when I’m angry:

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This is the situation I was in when I last became angry:

______________________________________________________________________________

I felt these emotions:

______________________________________________________________________________

I thought these thoughts:

______________________________________________________________________________

This is what I did:

______________________________________________________________________________

These are things I can learn to do to de-escalate (decrease) my anger in the future:

______________________________________________________________________________

Self Talk:

Feelings and emotions have a ‘life’ of anywhere from 8 seconds to 8 minutes. That is it. Short time huh? So why do we get angry and stay that way for days? The answer is that we self-escalate, or self-perpetuate our feelings by the ‘self talk’ that we all carry on in our heads.

Self-talk is the little voice we carry in our heads. Sometimes it is positive but sometimes, especially when we get angry, it’s not. We tell ourselves, "if those kids don’t stop bickering I’m going to...!" Or, "if he stays out all night again, boy is he in for it...!" "If that busy-body neighbor comes over here one more time, she better watch out...!" "If my (insert name of BP in our lives here) finds fault with me ONE MORE TIME I’m gonna…! And, so on…

Self-talk can be an effective tool in our list of resources that we use to gain control over our feelings and emotions. When we notice our warning signs of anger, we can use positive self-talk to regain our calm.

Examples of positive self-talk:

1. I do not need to get this angry.

2. I am in control of my feelings.

3. I think I need some time to cool off.

4. I can do this.

5. And so on…

Time out

Most of us who are parents have used ‘time outs’ for one reason or another. I’ll bet you didn’t know it could be also be a useful tool for adults to use when dealing with anger, huh?

Time out means leaving the situation for an agreed upon period of time to cool off. Usually the time period begins with one hour. It may be extended if both parties agree. If the BPD in your life is not able to agree, you will need to set firm boundaries with him/her and stick to them. You will need to act as the ‘grown up’ in this situation. Is that fair? No, but if life were ‘fair,’ the BPD in your life would be able to act in an adult manner. Well, "life ain’t fair and fair don’t live around here!" You will need to take responsibility for your own self, your own actions and your own behaviors and set firm boundaries.

Rules for Adult Time Out

1. Say to your partner, "I’m really upset right now. I need some time out." (You may also choose to have a pre-arranged signal.) If your partner makes angry or threatening comments as you leave, ignore them.

2. Leave for one hour. At the end of the time, if you require more time, call your partner to advise them.

3. No drinking, driving, drugs or guns during Time Out. Do something that will not increase your anger. Don’t start negative self-talk. For example: "When I get home, if he/she does ... I’ll ...!"

4. Practice calming and positive self-talk: Tell yourself "I can do this. It wasn’t such a big deal. I want to be in charge of my feelings. I love my family. I want them to feel safe. I don’t want to hurt anyone."

5. Going for a walk, jog, run or swim helps work off some of the energy. Driving while angry is not only self-destructive, but dangerous to others as well.

6. At the end of your time out, do a check to see how you feel. Are your warning signs still present? How is your heart rate, breathing, muscles, etc.?

7. When you return home, check in. Tell your partner, "I’m home." If both parties agree, you may then discuss the issue calmly. If not, set aside some time to discuss it later. (Your partner may still be too upset to discuss it right away.)

8. If you begin to get angry again, take another Time Out.

A family should be a place of safety for all members. All members of your family have the right to feel safe within the family.

How to suggest a Time Out to a Family Member

Focus on your feelings in a non-judgmental way:

1. Say to your partner: "I am feeling very unsafe right now. I need to feel safe. When you get this angry (and yell, scream, punch walls, etc…) I do not feel safe. Please respect my need for safety and let’s take a Time Out."

2. Say: "I am feeling very afraid for both of us. I know we have problems, but we can’t talk about them when we are both upset. I know that you want to respect my need for safety. Please take a Time Out."

3. Respect your partner’s right to take a Time Out. Do not make parting comments as your partner leaves. This will only re-involve and re-escalate all those involved.

When the other person returns, acknowledge their willingness to take a Time Out. "I’m really proud of you. It’s not easy to change old habits. I’m pleased you are making this effort. Thank you."

Change is a frightening process. When people are dealing with scary issues, they may become more afraid of the changes than they are of the conflict. Your BPSO may be dealing with abandonment issues. But Stand Tall, look after yourself. The changes are unknown and unfamiliar.

If someone ‘loses it’, or reacts in a way that is not part of the agreement, it does not mean failure. It does not mean you should never to try again, nor does it mean that it is the end of the change. It simply means that everyone needs to keep trying, again, and again, until success (diminishing and ending of violence) is achieved. When dealing with a BPSO, change may take as many repetitions as it would take when dealing with a two year old child. Be as patient as you are able to be.

If physical abuse has been a part of your relationship, please make a safety plan and keep it. This does NOT refer only to women, folks. Many male Nons in relationships with BP wives are victims of domestic violence. Get SAFE! STAY SAFE!

It is never wrong, ‘unmanly’ or ‘sissy’ to say I’m sorry for what happened. Keep your comments short. Do NOT take responsibility for the BP’s behaviors. Say things like: "I’m sorry we disagreed." As much as possible, focus on what worked. Find some small change and validate that as much as you can. We need to take ownership of ourselves, our behavior and our emotions. Families effect change by sticking to it, learning new ways of relating to each other, and reinforcing the positive aspects in the relationship.

Personal Plan for Anger Management Checklist

When I notice my warning signs and I am concerned that my anger is getting out of control, (or when a member of my family fears I am losing it) I will:

Say to myself: I am getting far too angry. I am in control. I need some time to cool off.

Say to my partner: "I need to take a Time Out"

Leave the situation for one hour, then return.

Check my warning signs to see if more time is required.

No drinking, use of drugs, driving a car, boat, snowmobile, or motorcycle during Time Out.

No use of guns during Time Outs.

Go for a walk. (or some other physical activity)

Positive self-talk. Think about something calming. Think about positive ways of dealing with my feelings.

Upon return: check in with partner in a calm manner.

You might want to print this off, date and sign it. Keeping a journal of your progress is also a useful tool for healing and change.

More Thoughts on Anger.

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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.